CBMused

When relationships break down, time is given to get over the initial shock before the healing process begins. But what of friendships? What happens when the person who has been your best friend for decades, the one you had often referred to as a sister, the one you thought you could confide in and share your most intimate troubles, turns around and kicks you in the shins when you’re wobbling on the edge of life?

Friendships are cherished entities and ones that I do not take lightly. In essence, they are akin to relationships, you give and take, and work through the ups and downs, much like a marriage, or a partnership or a commitment but without the fanfare or the piece of paper that binds you together. Then one day you wake up to the facts, you feel calm, numb, but with a clear head, and you un-best your best friend.

I have made repeated allowances for her circumstances. For a period of over three years, she has not been the same person. She has created major issues for people, tormented her husband and developed abnormal behaviour that could be called unhealthy, obsessive, coupled with eating disorders and a lack of rational thought at times that echo with desperate cries of attention, but all in the wrong place.

I accept that everyone goes through a phase in their lives where everything seems to change dramatically. A life crisis is no longer limited to mid-life or later, and can occur at any age. Granted, I have made many allowances over time when it came to her relationship with me. I expecting the phase to be over by now, but it has become progressively worse to the point that her company has become a little painful.

The point that I last took issue with, the one that made me wake up and deliver the coup de grace to the best friend status, occurred not so long ago. I alluded to it here in #6. I was at a very low point and realising the state of mind I was in, I pushed myself to talk about it, struggling with tears streaming down and the inability to complete a sentence. The way she responded left me shocked at the knife stab. Later, when I came to my senses after the wound had gushed, I realised what had happened . I came home feeling defeated and deflated. Who can you trust in your low moments if you can’t trust your best friend?

Later, when the shock had subsided and the fog had lifted, I saw the reality that had been obscured over the last few years.

I no longer have a best friend.

There is a common perception that when a tragedy of sorts hits, we discover who our real friends are. Unmet expectations from close ones can shatter us while new friends emerge to support us and become our lifeline, diffusing much of our angst and fears. But once we have overcome that life-changing event, and our lives are on the mend, it is not uncommon for those friendships to fade, and consciously little effort is made to restore them.

It’s not that we are ungrateful or selfish. We often hold them in high esteem and always remember them for their kindness. But in essence, they serve as a reminder of a time best forgotten. They may have seen us at our worst and know our deepest vulnerabilities. Although they have played an active and key role in supporting us, we no longer wish to be reminded of those times.

These friendships wane. And we knowingly let go of them as we have let go of those turbulent times. More often than not, we remember them with wistful nostalgia yet we know beyond doubt that we were responsible for the denouement.

I could cite examples of renowned people who have lived through it, relationships that have survived serious illnesses to see a person into recovery yet the glue that held them together has loosened and come undone. It is ubiquitous to life if we take an honest and examining look around.

I have relinquished such a friendship for similar reasons. I could unconvincingly say that our interests had diverged but I know that she will always be a reminder of a time I must file in the archives in order to live a brighter present.

Yet despite my valid reasons, it leaves me with a little sadness.

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Have you been in a friendship that you have let fade away because it triggers memories of a past best forgotten? Have you relinquished a relationship (or potential one) because the person may have seen you at your worst? Your opinion…

Martini Moments… While Shooing Flies

1. Love is… sitting on a beach picking each other’s ingrown hairs from each other’s freshly waxed upper thighs.

2. More often than not, those who vow never to enter another long-term relationship are the first to commit.

3. Is being aware of a possibility sufficient enough to stop it from taking place?

4. I can’t figure out if it’s worse when someone burns their bridges with you, or when they firmly believe they have.

5. Hello… Hello… is there anyone out there? Never mind, just give me another Martini.