From the Conditional to the Unconditional, friendships exist across a varied spectrum.

The Conditional Friend
Is the one you call to confirm a pre-arrangement and they emphatically put in a caveat or a condition, such as “it cannot be a late night” and by that, they mean past ten pm. They’ll invariably turn into a pumpkin that explodes in your face.

The Better-Option Friend
Is the one who never commits to an arrangement such as a drink, a bite to eat, or the cinema until the last minute. In case they get a better offer. Watch out, they will decline a couple of hours before the social gathering so best if you have a back up plan.

The Honest Friend
Is the one who accepts an invitation but lets you know that they may cancel, due to legit reasons, if they don’t feel up to company. Usually, they’re going through a personal problem and may not feel up to socialising. At least they’ve forewarned you they might be bad company.

The Agreeable Friend
Is the happy-go-lucky type who accepts any suggestion to do anything or go anywhere. They usually leave the choice up to you so don’t take their laid back attitude as a negative sign. They can’t be arsed making decisions but as long as you’re in the driver’s seat, they’re happy being taken for a ride.

The We-Should-Catch-Up Friend
Is the one you run into at shopping centres, or greet occasionally on MSN or sends a surprise email. You sum up your life in 2 minutes and end it with the ‘we-should-catch-up’ phrase, to which both of you agree but never follow it up. Grin and bear it, and go through the motions. That’s all you’ll ever see of this person.

The Call-Me-When-You-Want-To-Meet Friend
Is the one who hardly initiates but happy to come along when you call. Not a bad thing at times, except when it’s you who needs a kick up the arse or can’t be bothered making that call. More often than not, they won’t call if they haven’t heard from you.

The Use-By-Date Friend
Is the one who carries an expiry date tattooed on their forehead. You get along fine now but you know that it won’t last. Try to prolong this friendship and it will leave you with a sour taste in your mouth.

The Best-Before-Date Friend
Is a little different from the Use-By-Date friend in that although you know the friendship won’t last for too long, there is a little more hope that you’ll have things in common should you both decide to pursue it. These friendships are commonplace at work, especially if you’re in the kind of role that involves moving around a lot.

The Background Friend
Is the one who is there in the background of your life and gets to shine when you hit a crisis point. You never thought they were such a good person until then so you grow to appreciate them more.

The One-Way Friend
Is the one deemed to be always the taker and not the giver. These people have serious issues, or they’re just natural born and bred arseholes. They can learn and change up to a point, but only if they wish to do so. Withdrawing your support will sever that friendship as they go searching for another taker. Best if you play the push-pull game with them and keep them keen if you like them

The Lifetime Friend
Is the one you don’t see regularly any more but every time you do, it’s as if you were back together as teenagers giggling at the opposite sex or slamming beers as underage boys. While you may take them for granted, they’ll always bounce back in your life.

The I-Don’t-Want-You-But-No-One-Can-Have-You Friend
Is usually an opposite sex friend, too gutless to let their feelings know or is keeping you around ‘just in case’. The minute you tell them you have a significant other, you never see or hear from them again. Best you identify their intention early. Have fun with them. Then flick them.

The Purpose-Serving Friend
Is the one with whom you develop a sudden and strong connection, because one of you is helping the other through a difficult phase, or because you find many things in common. The friendship is often a good one so you’re led to believe it will last for ever, but once these friend are their for a purpose, and once it is served, you’ll sadly find that what bonded you together no longer exists

The Pity Friend
Is the one you keep around either to make yourself feel good because they’re uglier/fatter/more screwed up/worse off than you. You think you love them to death but the truth is you keep them because you don’t feel to deserve anyone better in your life. One day, they’ll improve themselves and ditch you. And you’ll deserve it because nobody should be that much of a bitch or an arsehole.

The Regurgitator Friend
Is the one who whines to you about someone else whining, or often complains about their colleague complaining, or gets overly angry about someone who often gets angry. While these people mimic those they complain about, they fail to see they do exactly the same thing. You could always slap them some sense around them, but the entertainment value they offer is priceless.

The Fisherman Friend
Is the one who keeps you hanging on the line in case they ever need you, then they reel you in. If you’re smart, you see the friendship for what it is, and put an old boot in your place to kick them in the face when they next cast their reel.

The Just-Friends Friend
Is the one you call platonic and would never sleep with in a million years if you’re female but enjoy their company. And if you’re male, it’s an oxymoron label you wear like the no name brand underdaks under your Armani jeans. Whether you’re male or female, accept that one day it will end when one of you either gets married or tries to get into a new person’s panties.

The Fantasy Friend
Is the one you keep around and invest a lot of time in because you secretly want them but can’t have them. They fuel your fantasies to new heights and change the regular sex you have into mind-blowing sex. As long as you remember it’s only blowing in your mind, there’s no harm in keeping the around.

The Bouncer Friend
Is the one you’ve known for a long time and you’ve been through cycles where your friendship has waned and strengthened at various points. You may still be able to pick up where you left off but they often leave you wondering when the next time will be.

The Unconditional Friend
Is an urban myth unless that person is the love of your life and your life partner. In that case, count your blessings every day and don’t ever let them go or change. Treat them with love and respect. Spoil them at every chance you get. They’re the only ones who would stand by you no matter what, including the times when no other friend will. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to grow old together and be their unconditional friend for life.