CBMused

Reading some ‘relationship’ advice sites*, we live in a sad world where opposite sex friendships equate with emotional infidelity. Simply stated, men and women in relationships cannot enjoy non-sexual friendships because they’re deemed to be emotionally cheating on their partner.

Throughout my adult years, I have had friends of the opposite gender. I befriended males easily and I was often told that I had a fresh and direct and approach to life that didn’t leave them guessing. Some of these friendships were on an intimate level; others were mere companionship over a bite to eat, or a movie or socialising in a small group.

Enter a relationship or a partner on the scene, and according to some sites, I should sever communication with male friends and spend little or no time with colleagues. Sound advice when I work in a male-dominated industry doused with egos and testosterone and thrives on developing contacts.

According to one site, emotional cheating occurs when you discuss your partner and your relationship with your “opposite sex friend”, sharing your fears, hopes, and dreams. Isn’t that what a friendship is about? All of a sudden, conversations such as “Jonathan and I are getting engaged/thinking of buying a house/doing up the backyard/travelling to Antarctica but he doesn’t want a short engagement/he’s not convinced it’s the right time/he’s not a handyman/he hates the cold” are deemed to be labelled an infidelity.

There are the times when you need a close and trusted male friend to slap you around when you’re about to make the wrong decision, to warn of you of pitfalls of your impending actions, to offer you the other gender’s perspective, to make you understand your partner even more, to offer a sounding board of ideas, to tell you how to configure your new firewall or even give you advice on how to decorate a room.

Apparently, I am a cheater. And I have cheated on my partner with my gay friend.

While I do not refute the existence and dangers of some emotional attachments, the arguments presented in those sites do not lend any credibility to a sensitive subject and how to effectively prevent it. Advice such as avoid friendships with members of the opposite sex is as convincing as sexual abstinence is for eradicating world hunger.

With the apparent gender-bias in phrases such as sharing hopes and dreams, I cannot help but think this scare tactic is more targeted at women. Maybe a more valid option would be to send women back where they belong. To the home. To provide no distraction for the men folk while they perform their important bread winning duties. And maybe that would free up the women from any emotional infidelities so they could indulge in sexual liaisons with the plumber or electrician. There is no flaw in either logic, is there?

Now if only I could figure out how to tell my gay friend we had a sordid affair.

* Citations are used in this post but not linked.

My views have always been black and white. When you make a commitment to one person, whether it is in the eyes of the law, the church, family and friends, or privately to one another, you give up on any right to have sexual relations with another person. Infidelity did not come in shades in grey. To put it simply, if you have sex with someone other than your partner, you’re cheating on them and the relationship you’ve established together.

I have held on firmly to this belief most of my life, until a couple of confidences shook the foundations a little and left me pondering ‘how and why I reacted to their circumstances.

When Shane told me that he was contemplating ‘sex on the side’, something inside me shrivelled. I didn’t want to believe it. I have always had the utmost respect and affection for him. Shane has been married for a few years to the beautiful and capricious Natalie, yet their sex life is practically non-existent. He loves her deeply, but the only time she shows any interest in him physically, is when she is trying to have a child, and is known for using sex as a weapon. She has underlying problems but her refusal to acknowledge them or seek help leaves him no choice but to put up with it for the rest of his life. He has even contemplated the thought of getting Natalie’s consent, were to he to look elsewhere for sex but I know she would find it heartbreaking.

Megan’s story was different. Her long-time partner suffered an illness which due to the residual brain damage, left him with an altered personality. And while this has affected their relationship to the point where at times, he’s no longer the person he was, he has also lost interest in sex. Life has been difficult for both of them. She is unhappy with her life in general, and has confided in me that she is contemplating the thought of casual sex, again with no emotional attachment.

Both stories made me reconsider my black and white beliefs for a few confusing moments, yet I still hold onto them strongly. But more so, my reaction to each case has come as a surprise. I felt strongly against Shane straying from his marriage yet I was a little more open-minded in Megan’s case. Did I believe Shaun’s situation can be improved while Megan’s case held less hope? Maybe.

And it left me contemplating the serious and often controversial topic of infidelity.

What causes people to stray? If certain needs (not limited to sexual needs) are not met, does it lend itself to reason? Can infidelity ever be justified? Are there situations, such as the ones above, that make it more acceptable? Is it still considered to be cheating if it is done with the consent of the partner? Your opinion…