CléaSummer may be officially over but the temperate weather allows me to reflect on a favourite pastime of mine, the endless fashion parade of men who aren’t afraid to strut their stuff on the sand.
Yes, I’m talking about that piece of cloth, small or otherwise, that covers men’s loins. Or rude bits.
In this fair country, councils have successfully removed the neck-to-knee regulations many decade ago, yet boardies and long shorts have been embraced by those too uncomfortable with their own bodies to show them off at a public beach. But like all trends that come and go, tightly fitted cossies have been making an insurgence.
First you have Speedos. Referred to as dick pointers, budgy smugglers, ballhuggers, lolly bags or old men’s jewels’ supporters, these were seen at the height of sun and surf fashion in the 80s and still adorn some muscular and ageing physiques.
Then you have togs with the word SPANK printed in large letters across the crotch; something I never fully understood unless the word MONKEY was invisibly printed somewhere and I was too distracted to see it.
Speedo’s Endurance briefs still make an appearance every so often on men in the middle of that age and those who like to advertise their abilities. Butt… they often leave me in doubt whether their claim to endurance is nothing but a mere one-minute wonder.
With aussieBum breathing new life into the ageing Speedo population with their hunky male models, yummy advertising shot at exotic locations, they still have the monopoly on the best looking short leg trunks that bring attention to sculpted thighs and legs. Italian designer equivalents often look too flashy.
The latest contender is a relatively new range of swimwear that calls itself Budgy Smuggler. With the words spelled out on the man’s buns. Preferably a small, tight, muscular one like the slim blonde guy at my beach who is a bit of a regular.
If you think boardies, Speedos, Aussie Bum and Budgy Smuggler cover all types of swimwear, think again. The absolute latest in male beachwear this summer was… a pair of undies.
Forget bold colours in form-fitting lycra. These guys couldn’t give a toss about fashion. When they threw their towels on the sand and dropped their shorts or jeans, they undressed down to their grey, black, navy or white undergarments. Thinking loose and silky boxer shorts? Think again. I’ve seen men unashamedly strip down to their Bonds briefs, Jockey boxer briefs, Davenports and Hanes. And once they came out of the water, cotton fabric moulded perfectly to their genitals, it only took a casual glance to figure who was cut or uncut.
A word of advice when tempted to embrace this new fashion trend. If you’re going to flaunt your assets in tighty whities on the beach, make sure they’re still pure whity. Nothing worse than a pair of wet white undies that have that old grey flannel look about them. Well, nothing except skid marks.
Tags: Aussie Bum, Budgy Smuggler, cbmused, cossies, endurance, men's swimwear, men's underwear, Speedos, togs, undies
Gah! Skid marks! You’ve scarred me for life with that image now! On the beach even!
The horror!
As curious as we may be, we men* have evolved to put such things out of mind (e.g. cut vs. uncut, peer size, etc.). Now that you’ve forced these images to the forefront of my consciousness, I feel a little violated, and I hold you responsible.
*I speak for those of us who are straight.
This post, in all its descriptive splendour, leaves me feeling strangely relieved that I do not own a pair of ‘Lolly Bags’ nor of ‘Budgy Smugglers’. Those names are great, though!
I am really thankful that anything other than board shorts is a rare sight at San Diego beaches. Speedos and the like are just, offensive. I am not interested in what your “rude bits” look like, thank you! However, with the board shorts, you sometimes have a not-so-nice view of butt cleavage. I guess I can’t win. Maybe this is why I don’t spend much time at the beach.
Kami: Thankfully I haven’t seen skid marks on the beach.! But guys stripping down to their undies, there have been a plenty. And not the kind you’d want to look at. Oh, and you’re welcome
Peefer: With this new responsibility, “I made you look” will be my motto as I question whether men have evolved or they’re singing the la-la-la song while comparing ego size and shape.
Winters: Ah… but what about undies on the beach when Winters (inevitably) loses his pants. Hmm??
Mrs Mahd: But what if men in SD were to adopt the new trend of undies at the beach? They seem to have sprung out of nowhere here, so you can’t help BUTT look
Firstly – I am so many shades of pale that it would be hard for anyone who knows me to imagine me at a beach. Such is the casualty of having my busiest months during the summer.
Second – I’ll stick with the board shorts when I do go out to the sand. Would you believe that amongst all of the other things you have learned about me, I am also quite shy when it comes to being stripped down to a Speedo? True story.
G’day, mate!
Throw another Aussiebum on the barbie!
After all, it’s one hundred percent polyester, so it won’t burn anyway…
GSR: Firstly, are you trying to tell me subliminally that your pallor equates to wearing tighty whities at the beach so you can blend in?
Secondly, for it to be a true story, it would require you to have stripped down to a Speedo at some point. So this response deserves a ‘thirdly’.
Zen: I would rather have an Aussie Bum cooking a barbie! He’ll be right, mate…
As I have said before, I only wear an 1840’s style men’s bathing accoutrement to venture into the ocean waters, along with a bowler hat and umbrella.
I need to get my arse to Australia stat. Like now.
Mahdimael: Yes, yes, but what do you wear underneath all that??
EM: Get your lovely arse here, pronto! And if you can’t, check out Aussie Bum TV.
Baaahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!! You are BAD Cléa!! =)
“aussieBum” is spelled as one word–apparently you are not getting close enough to the logo.
I would recommend taking a magnifying glass and getting very close to the aussieBum wearer’s crotch–so you don’t have to take my word for it and you can verify this important information!
(Make sure and tell the beachgoer when you are close to his crotch that the magnifying glass is to read the aussieBum logo and not because, for instance, you want to read the legally mandated “care tag.” Trust me on this, the care tag will say 100% polyester….)
Gboy: Thank you for the compliment. I’ll take it heart!
Zen: You’re right! I stand corrected. My attention must have been distracted elsewhere than the spelling of the label. I shall amend the post accordingly.
While I’m at it, shall I also put on a pair reading glasses and put my hair up in a bun?
I love those Budgy Smugglers with words on the bum. Okay, not only do they have to watch for skid marks, but there’s also a slight discoloration that can occur when a certain action happens in those briefs. Yum.
Egan: Eww….. Glad to say I never looked that close!