CléaLast week, when I was on one my power walks, I reminded myself to call a friend and ask her for the name of a product I needed from her friend, Sandra, since she and I are distant acquaintances. Just as I approached the park, I saw a woman in dark sunglasses who looked just like Sandra. I approached. I looked. I removed my sunglasses and looked again. It was her.
After telling her my surprise at having her materialise the minute I thought of her, considering she lives nowhere near the area, she said to me,
“We always attract the people we need.”
I walked away deep in thought. Do we have an intrinsic force that makes a certain type of person flock to us? Do we strike friendships or relationships with people who can give us something in return? Do we attract a partner or a friend who can fulfil certain criteria at the time, and do we drift apart when they no longer provide what we need?
I thought it was the law of attraction and commonalities. But is it more akin to simple economics, a case of need and demand?
Looking back, there was one instance when I was inexplicably drawn to someone through a shared experience. I felt I could help him and I gave it all I could, for which he is grateful. And that left me wondering, if we attract the people we need, what did I need from him…
Tags: cbmused, friendships, relationships
Having had some strange similar coincidences myself, and having that person just appear at that moment, I tend to agree with your friend. The mechanism by which it happens is mysterious, and as somebody that insists on knowing how stuff works, that doesn’t sit comfortably. This is such a thought provoking post!
Gboy: I’m like you. I need an explanation, or a reasoning or some logic. As for it being thought provoking, I can’t get it out of my mind, particularly where the thought patterns are going…
This post hurts my head (in a good way).
If it is simple supply and demand, maybe what you needed from him was the ability to help someone? I don’t know.
As for your questions, I think it all depends on the situation and where you are in your life at that moment. For some relationships, you definitely drift apart when what initially drew you together is gone. But for others, you grow and change. I’ve been with someone for a little over 10 years and I will say that what I initially needed from him at the time is no longer needed, but we haven’t drifted apart. I think it’s a testament of a strong relationship.
But what the hell do I know?
That’s what I’ve always believed in, that the relationships we have between people are the result of needful things. It’s why friends come and go. It’s why we talk to them when the time is right. It’s why we are with people for who they are, in spite of what they are.
Of course, good company is also a need. One we can’t simply chuck aside from material wealth or favours. Maybe that is explanation enough.
SM: You know, that was eventually my reasoning too yet it felt strange to admit it. I needed to help someone, to give to someone who needed it, and he just happened to come along and the friendship developed. And now that my help is no longer needed, the dynamics have changed.
Maybe relationships are more enduring, because what draws us together is also bound in love and that’s a damn good thing.
Thank you for your comment. You’ve made me think a bit more clearly about it.
Kami: At the core, I’m not the kind who lets go of friendships because the need is no longer there. It takes more than that, and as you know from reading this blog I have done it. Therefore it leaves me in a state of limbo when others do itbased on need and demand.
I’m guessing he didn’t have something you obviously needed, like tickets to the Ice Capades.
We never know how certain relationships have benefitted us in the metaphysical sense.
Sometimes, maybe, you just were not meant to be with someone else, for instance, and he kept you from being somewhere or with someone you weren’t supposed to be with.
Delving deeply into the nature of relationships can leave us mystified. You can approach it from a sociological or historical view that people congregate to accomplish what can’t be easily done alone, perhaps. Human interaction, at some level, is about finding what we need from others, and giving to them what they need from us.
There is a deeper and more complex intertwining with those who we consider friends, but it only becomes so over time. Sharing an interest or exchanging what you need at some surface level wears away our natural defenses; we become more familiar, and more meaningful exchanges are possible- emotional, physical and even psychological benefits happen. Sometimes we aren’t aware of what we’re getting from someone or giving to them, but we know there is a spark there and we know it’s worth fostering into a flame.
We become more honest with others with whom we share special relationships, but of course it doesn’t always evolve into the deep melding of two souls. One of the two people restricts themselves from unencumbering the truth of their being with the other person; it can be for any reason; societal, external, or an internal fear of rejection. Or one person reveals something the other disagrees with, and that knowledge damages the relationship.
Where both people have established their boundaries of how deep the relationship can be the nature of the relationship changes. If the bond between them is shallow, it’s much easier to let it stagnate. A deeper bond is self-renewing, though, when one attractive facet of a person wanes, another is there to capture our attention, and with time and trust, all things can be shared.
I had the same initial thought as SM with regard to why we are drawn to people who need help. What does it say that I have been constantly surrounded by women my entire life – and not in a romantic “I’ve had lots of girlfriends” way? In elementary school my best friend was a girl, in college my best friends were a group of girls, my job is one that is largely occupied by females, and even my blog correspondence is almost exclusively female. On second thought, maybe I don’t want to open that door…
I see it a bit differently… maybe we attract people we deserve…
ZW: No… he had tickets on himself. I kid. I wanted to help because I knew I could and it benefited him
Maybe helping him was a diversion from other things happening at the time. As you say, who knows…
Mahd: You’ve nailed it there with the spark and knowing that we would like to develop it further, and I don’t mean that in just a relationship sense. We can feel it with a new friendship, even a same sex friendship.
The level of honesty and openness is crucial. But what if it was always there but a friendship served its purpose, as much as I don’t like to believe in that.
What you describe in your last words, the self-renewing, is exactly how I envisage solid relationships that grow together over time, the long lasting bonds, be it love or friendship. If you have that, you can count on it lasting a lifetime.
GSR: Maybe you should
I’m the same in that I tend to foster more opposite sex friendships, and have done so since my early twenties (but not before). I didn’t question it at large, but I suspect because I’m not that much of a girly girl yet I’m feminine, and with guys, it’s all direct and no bullsh!t. Or it might be because I liked playing with boys’ toys when I was a child…
Sidney: I like it. Even if it implies that he deserved me at the time…
You weren’t outside when I went for my power walk. Zut alors.
I think there’s something to this intrinsic force thing. I believe we forge bonds with people for various unknown reasons. I think there’s something everyone one of us can learn from even the most brief interaction though.