CléaGeneral Notice
This year, new rules have been issued for everyone’s enjoyment on the beach. Failure to comply with these will lead to hefty fines. And beach rage.
1. Park your towel within a 10 cm radius to mine and you are invading my personal space. Move your body around and stick your feet in my face and I’ll get up and shake my towel all over your oiled skin.
2. Struggle big time with closing the bogan beach tent which you only used to store your towel and beach bag and I’ll just laugh in your face when you look at me for help.
3. Let your children spray sand all over me without telling them to be careful, and I’ll do the same to you, not your kids, when I next shake my towel.
4. Cup your exposed breasts as you’re getting in an out of the water and you look like ridiculous 20-something girls who are self-conscious of their bodies at the beach yet they’re into boob spillage, micro skirts and high heels at night clubs. Learn from the topless 30 to 50 somethings who have embraced their femininity without having to hold their tits in their hands.
5. Light up a smelly cigarette within a breathing radius of me, and I’ll start coughing out so loud and non stop just to annoy the hell out of your enjoyment.
6. Carry on a loud and super lengthy conversation on your mobile phone when the beach is sleepy and quiet, and I’ll stare at you directly to make sure you know I’m listening to every word and rolling my eyes. And when you look at me, I’ll take notes.
7. Bring your dog to the beach when there are signs plastered everywhere that say dogs aren’t allowed or you will be fined, and I will call beach patrol on my mobile phone.
8. Drip water on me on your way back from the surf and I’ll look directly at your Speedos and shake my head at your shrinkage.
9. Bring your radio to the beach and listen to talk show stations without ear phones and I’ll wear my iPod and start bopping on my towel to give you the hint. After laughing at you in your old man Speedos.
10 Force your already screaming toddler into the cold water when they’re visibly afraid and they start yelling their lungs all over the beach that fifteen minutes have passed and they’re still traumatised and you can’t shut them up, and I’ll look at you and shake my head in disgust at the kind of parent you are.
11. Play any kind of projectile game in the water, (Frisbee, handball, cricket, footy, wtf?!) where a group of you spreads around a few metres across the beach forcing others to go around you, and I’ll head straight in between so you realise the beach is there to share.
12. Spit or blow your nose on the sand or in the water, and I’ll spray you with sand aiming straight for the eyes. I don’t want to step on or swim in your body fluids.
13. Park your beach tent in my line of sight where the only hunk on the beach is sprawled on a double towel, and I will give you the evil eye equivalent of the kiss of death, capisce?
By Order Of
Cléa B.Mused
Local MP for Beach Patrol
Tags: beach patrol, beach rage, cbmused
“And when you look at me, I’ll take notes.”
Ha! This made me snort-laugh. Excellent rules, Cléa.
I’ve never understood why some people don’t respect things that have to be shared by others. Who act like they solely own it or something. Sure, it’s there for them to enjoy but they need to be aware of their surroundings.
Ouuuu, I like it when you’re so strict ;9
season is open
I get the feeling you like your personal space while at the beach. Damn those people getting in your way while you’re observing behaviours for some of us half a world away.
SM: Serve them right!
What I’ve noticed this season is how people have become selfish and inconsiderate of others. The whole ‘me me me’ attitude and the pushy people on the beach is a reflection of society. Pity they don’t just relax on the sand.
Die Murane: If only I could post these rules at the beaches I frequent. And fine people!
Egan: Yes, I have a job to do, to pen ideas and report back to my readers. How dare they?
I hope that they follow the rules … but part of me really wants you to shake your towel in someone’s personal space.
EM: I saw someone do it today. The guy returned to his towel from a swim and found some inconsiderate lying face down, his feet almost on the guy’s towel. SO he picked it up and shook it hard in his direction!
Much as I loved Fido, there are some areas where it should be “Dog” and “Dog free”; just like smoking.
I mean, the little bastards poop, let’s face it. And the owners don’t pick it up.
I jog on this national park jogging trail, and the government spent thousands of dollars on signs and dog poop recepticles. They even have this little baggy dispenser. But do people always scoop the poop off the sidewalk part?
No.
I would think it would be even less aesthetically pleasant on the beach.
You’ll probably cyber-punch me for saying “no such problems at my beach”
.
On the flipside though, there are NO twenty-somethings clambering from the shark-infested waters cupping their slightly chilled pink pointies. Dogs ARE allowed on the beach early and late in the day here as well – and even though mutley has long gone, his stinking turd bombs lay in wait all day for unsuspecting victims until the high tide washes them out into the sea. There’s no beach patrol to sick on idiots either!
Zen: We have the same poop sightings on all our major promenades. People usually pick up after them but not always. As for me, I have a dog phobia. That’s any dog, any size so I choose where I go carefully to avoid panic attacks. Beaches are dog free, and there are clear signs and fines in place. There is always some idiot who thinks it’s ok because it’s their dog. Never mind the fine, I’d love to shove their phobia in their face to know what it feels like.
Gboy: Big Cyber Punch!
Eww… doesn’t your council do anything about it? It can’t be safe for swimming, or for little kiddies. Oh no! If dogs are allowed than I withdraw any envy of your beach. Panic attacks are not pleasant to endure, neither is the coming down from one.
Maybe you should volunteer for beach patrol…
It is still minus 0 Celsius here. I have been returning to this post in the hope of getting some warmth from all the beach talk.
Also, with regard to the cigarette rule – that should be a rule for any and all public places.
GSR: I’m sending some virtual sun and heat your way, but not too much, I’m greedy!
I can’t tolerate walking behind someone who’s smoking, particularly on narrow footpaths where you have no choice. Cigarette butts in the sand end up in the water, and who wants to swim in an ashtray?
Maybe you should volunteer for beach patrol…
I do what I can
Wait … did GSR just tell you the temperature in Celsius and not Fahrenheit??? That is impressive.
Gboy: Just as well… or I was going to offer my services! At the right rate, of course…
EM: There’s nothing like teaching the teacher, is there?
I came back from my swim and found her there. When I sat down, she dared to give me a dirty look. When she went for a swim, I flicked sand all over her towel and watched her whinge and moan about sand on her stuff. Cléa Patrol: 1 Inconsiderate Beatch: 0
And you’d be proud of me. On the weekend, some girl with her friends laid a towel 10cm away from me. GSR, look it up