CléaReading some ‘relationship’ advice sites*, we live in a sad world where opposite sex friendships equate with emotional infidelity. Simply stated, men and women in relationships cannot enjoy non-sexual friendships because they’re deemed to be emotionally cheating on their partner.
Throughout my adult years, I have had friends of the opposite gender. I befriended males easily and I was often told that I had a fresh and direct and approach to life that didn’t leave them guessing. Some of these friendships were on an intimate level; others were mere companionship over a bite to eat, or a movie or socialising in a small group.
Enter a relationship or a partner on the scene, and according to some sites, I should sever communication with male friends and spend little or no time with colleagues. Sound advice when I work in a male-dominated industry doused with egos and testosterone and thrives on developing contacts.
According to one site, emotional cheating occurs when you discuss your partner and your relationship with your “opposite sex friend”, sharing your fears, hopes, and dreams. Isn’t that what a friendship is about? All of a sudden, conversations such as “Jonathan and I are getting engaged/thinking of buying a house/doing up the backyard/travelling to Antarctica but he doesn’t want a short engagement/he’s not convinced it’s the right time/he’s not a handyman/he hates the cold” are deemed to be labelled an infidelity.
There are the times when you need a close and trusted male friend to slap you around when you’re about to make the wrong decision, to warn of you of pitfalls of your impending actions, to offer you the other gender’s perspective, to make you understand your partner even more, to offer a sounding board of ideas, to tell you how to configure your new firewall or even give you advice on how to decorate a room.
Apparently, I am a cheater. And I have cheated on my partner with my gay friend.
While I do not refute the existence and dangers of some emotional attachments, the arguments presented in those sites do not lend any credibility to a sensitive subject and how to effectively prevent it. Advice such as avoid friendships with members of the opposite sex is as convincing as sexual abstinence is for eradicating world hunger.
With the apparent gender-bias in phrases such as sharing hopes and dreams, I cannot help but think this scare tactic is more targeted at women. Maybe a more valid option would be to send women back where they belong. To the home. To provide no distraction for the men folk while they perform their important bread winning duties. And maybe that would free up the women from any emotional infidelities so they could indulge in sexual liaisons with the plumber or electrician. There is no flaw in either logic, is there?
Now if only I could figure out how to tell my gay friend we had a sordid affair.
* Citations are used in this post but not linked.
Tags: affairs, cbmused, cheating, emotional infidelity, opposite sex friendships, platonic friendships
This means I’ve had a sordid affair before. With my sister. And my mom. I should start a paid website for degenerates like me.
If these sites were true I’d be one of the biggest gigolos out there……ladies?
Wow…then I probably take the cake on this whole cheating thing. Emotional bonds is all I know how to connect as. Given that the majority of friendships that matter are with women, I’m probably the most unfaithful guy in the world.
The thing about a lot of these relationship sites is that they are written for women with a low sense of security and self esteem or for women who have had bad relationships in the past and want their idea of something perfect.
It’s the idea that people are unfaithful simply because they choose to connect with other people than their partner. You can’t trust people like that because that kind of connection breeds affairs.
It’s crock I say. I do that. Haven’t cheated on my partner at all.
Casey: We should author a joint site and split the profits. We’d offer and His and Hers advice and cover all bases. “I Cheated on my Partner with my Mom” would be the next post.
GSR: I have my reasons for not citing the sources but they are sadly, real.
Now put some gigolo tendencies to good use and make this cheating between us worthwhile. I’m already guilt-ridden up to my ears just by answering your comment.
Kami: What’s a good friendship without an emotional bond? Nothing but an acquaintance.
The sites don’t claim to be written for women as such. I sensed that the notion came from disgruntled male(s) who seemingly don’t trust their partners and would prefer to have them locked up at home.
People connect outside of a relationship. It doesn’t mean there’s any cheating going on.
I’ll stop back by to read this completely. I couldn’t give it the justice it deserves after all this traveling. Merci mon amie. Demain, je vais parler francais souvent.
Egan: Please do. As a popular blogger who has been around for a considerable time, I am most interested in what you have to say.
Tu as de la chance. Amuse-toi bien!
I think they were referring to “friendships” where the guy “friend” is “considerately” listening to the female dog-out her boyfriend–hoping to jump in for the coup de grace, I mean, “offering invaluable male perspective”–and the female “friend” is keeping the guy on the string for a backup.
As one who has been the “he’s just a good friend”-guy a few times, I can attest that these relationships totally blow.
On the other side of the spectrum, I have found out that ex-girlfriends who kept one of these “good friends” around were totally hittin’ it.
And that also blows.
I’m down. Of course, me giving relationship advice is like John Elway telling me how to sell Hondas. It’s not that he’s not good at it, it’s just that it ain’t what he’s famous for.
Zen: But haven’t these crossed the line into sexual infidelity? If they’re keeping him/her on the side, it’s no longer what they’re referring to as emotional cheating. They’re already doing it!
I agree what you describe totally blows, on both counts. But I’m in total agreement that a guy friend who listens is kept as a back up. He could be in a relationship or married and wouldn’t cross the line. And even if he had secret thoughts, as long as they’re not communicated or acted upon, what’s the big deal?
Casey: My point exactly. Anyone can make something up, sell the notion, and instant fame. Add a few carefully chosen ads in adsense and we’ve got it made.
Never underestimate the dark thoughts or motives of a male. From what I hear they generally lean towards the promiscuous. Even former President Jimmy Carter had lust in his heart.
Without temptation it sure easy not to sin, and I have been in my mind pretty good at avoiding temptation while in a relationship, however those midnight thoughts sometimes wander, but not acted upon.
So how does one go on a golf outing with a mixed sex group, I know for a fact that things will happen, as the booze flows, not that I golf but I have been on golf outings and they can get a little over the top. Which is fine and dandy but I would not feel comfortable if my gal was spending all her free time golfing with her male colleague’s.
JW: Oh I don’t. Just as I don’t underestimate women’s, even my own at times. But the points made that opposite sex friendships should be avoiced reminds me of abstinence and segregation of genders. It’s not normal.
With regards to your query, I would question why she’d want to spend all her free time with them, and not with you. You could become involved with the group, even through after game drinks. Nothing wrong with getting partners involved in those opposite sex friendships. It remove the doubts in some instances.
Hmmm… by that definition I’m going to hell in a handbasket with the rest of you.
OK, when you get to my age and station in life, most of the friendships you have with people the same age and station involve married people. In almost all those cases, you know the spouse of the person you are friends with – they may also be a friend in their own right. I have several female friends in this category, and we talk about each other’s partners a lot… BUT… it’s the manner in which they are discussed that makes all the difference. It’s never “I’m thinking of divorcing him, what do you reckon?”, or “you and I have so much more in common”. Sure, it’s ok to say you’ve hit a rough patch, or you had a fight, but to imply you are “up for a bit of away from home action” is crossing the line.
IMHO, if you’re planning on shagging the person you are sharing these “hopes and dreams” with, I’m pretty sure you can file that in the infidelity folder. Whether it ever happens or not.
Gboy: To hell we all go.
But according to the advice given, such conversations as the ones you describe are dangerous. So we may as well wrap ourselves in cotton wool and sing the lalala song.
I agree if there is serious intent, then the lines are crossed. If it’s a mere fantasy in someone’s head, who are we to control other people’s thoughts?
I don’t know about this. As you can probably tell, I see there’s great value in having friends of the opposite sex. As you stated, there’s much insight they can provide on issues we may not see. I think views like those in the article only cause my divisions between the sexes. The author of the article is only one person so whatever they want to believe is just fine. Let’s remain friend Cléa.
Egan: I believe the person behind it is playing ostrich. Dividing the sexes doesn’t even work at school, let alone in life. We’ll stay friends, Egan. That is not going to change.