The Big Brother Phenomenon
CBMUSED at 10:39 am Category: GeneralTags: big brother phenomenon, big brothers, cbmused, friendships, protective males
No, I am not referring to a vacuous TV show that drew in millions of viewers. Throughout my adult life I have come to realise that I have been blessed with Big Brothers, older and younger men who have taken on an unforgettable role through their own volition.
The first time I encountered a Big Brother, I was in my first year of university. BB 1 was in my year, and since I was a non-drinker, he insisted I remained ‘pure’ by ensuring our group’s get-togethers did not include rowdy pubs and dingy drinking holes. “Can’t spoil Cléa by taking her to a local pub!”
The second BB incident was a little more serious. In my final year of university, I took on three part time jobs to support my full-time study. One of my jobs was in research, and the place I worked was an eye candy heaven, with male graduates two to four years older than me strutting their stuff. Most were attractive in one way or another and a very interesting and down to earth young men. One of the senior researchers had a reputation with women; they literally fell at his feet. Many used him to gain employment in that coveted field in exchange for given pleasures.
He asked me to work late one evening as the team had a deadline to meet. As a poor university student, I needed the money, yet I was a little nervous that I was going to be in the company of Casanova, with barely anyone else around. I reluctantly told BB 2, one of the researchers I worked for, and after he coached me in ways to handle him in case he tried anything, he wished me well and left for the day. An hour or so later, BB 2 returned to the centre and sat at his desk working. And he stayed the whole evening until it was time for me to leave. When I asked him why he came back, he just mumbled that he had something to do.
A year later, as a new graduate in the workforce, I worked with a flamboyant BB 3. He introduced me to his best mate, Tony, who like me at the time, had just broken up with someone. He suggested we all go out, and we did socialise as a group on many occasions. “Cléa, whatever you do, don’t sleep with Tony,” was the stern advice BB3 gave me. “He’s a one minute wonder!” When I quizzed him to the knowledge, he was more than happy to oblige with details I didn’t need to know. Considering we all worked in the same profession, I could never look at Tony without BB 3’s one minute visuals.
These Big Brother experiences may have had something to do with my youth or naivety at the time but I have come across more Big Brothers later in life. BB 4 was four years my junior, and unknown to me at the time, had taken an inordinate interest in my personal and professional interests. He became my mentor, a trusted advisor, which led to becoming a best friend. His protective and caring attitude towards me was no different to the other BB before him.
All these Big Brothers shared commonalities. They were all in happy relationships. They had no romantic/sexual interest in me and they willingly and openly looked after my best interest without being asked. I always look back with fond memories of them.
Recently I have come to question, what causes the Big Brother phenomenon in men? What drives a man who clearly has no romantic interest in a woman to act protectively towards her and hold her best interests at heart? And what kinds of women attract Big Brothers? If my initial theory pointed towards inexperience and naivety, the BB 4 experience has refuted it.
By the above definitions, if you’re a man, have you been a Big Brother to someone? And if you’re a woman, have you experienced the Big Brother phenomenon, and what has been the trigger in either instance?
Your opinions… as always.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:41 am
I have been a big brother a time or two before. I don’t know that the relationship ever started with that intention, but rather it gradually developed over time. To have such a relationship I need to feel like the other person cares about me in ways that are almost indescribable, and at the same time completely believable. I guess what I am saying is that in order to feel like a big brother to someone who is not related it is important to feel like there is an honest and genuine care coming from the woman in a way that can only be compared to family. When that happens it becomes very easy to feel protective in a way that is similar to a brother.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I used to get sucked into it more. Some men just have heroic tendencies, forced or natural. I probably kept a couple girls out of trouble, and honestly, I may have made their life better, but I don’t know.
I think the big brother aspect is alive and well in male relationships with just about anyone. I know i have one friend right now who looks up to me and irritates me the way a younger brother would. I also know I have a tendency to find mentors in older men who are established in my future field and I probably irritate them. Men are never really on equal footing with anyone, I don’t think. Even if the big brother/little sister (or brother) vaccilates between the parties, there is always that mentor relationship. What possible bioevolutionary purpose that tendency serves is one for better speculation than I can muster tonight.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I think it’s actually the paternal instinct. You are obviously a good girl and the kind of daughter many men would like to have!
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
For some reason, I’ve always been the big brother figure ever since high school despite my troubled times. I don’t know if it was me trying hard to fit in then, but I would always be the one shoulder to cry and rely on when the chips are down for a lot of girls. It’s not that I’m not attracted to some of these girls. In the past, I have been. It’s just that I feel compelled to watch over them to make sure they aren’t hurt as I was.
GB is right in a way, sometimes it’s just paternal instinct, but when you’re younger…I guess I never had anyone to care for that way since I am the only child.
In a way, watching over them was my only excuse for making a connection with people that I never had. You were treated as someone to go to, someone who troubleshoots things and protects you, but never a close friend. I don’t know if that was a bad thing for me or not, but those were the times. Some days, I miss them.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Justin: I can understand the way you make the comparison to a real brother-sister situation. As for me, I do not have an older brother therefore I cannot relate the same way. If I were to apply your explanation, I would have had to been a very honest, caring and special friend to the BBs, yet I cannot say that I was so close. They may have felt that way before I did. They took it upon themselves to show care and emotion. In the case of BB4, he became a best friend after some time, but the BB behaviour started long before that. I hope I’m making sense, otherwise I’m happy to elaborate on my perspective.
Casey: Sucked into it? I never sucked anyone into it; that’s the key point. If anything I was totally oblivious until they started showing the behaviours.
Interesting that you describe the phenomenon amongst men. I hadn’t considered that point of view but I agree it’s just as strong. I’m not certain women have the same relationship, or it could be that I relate more to men in a mentor sense that I do to women. Though I know some women I admire in a professional sense, but it’s not the same way as I do with men.
Gorilla B: I had to think a little bit about your comment. I know I fit the good girl/kind daughter scenario, but do men who are just a couple of years older than me, or in case of BB4 he is 4 years younger, is that also parental instinct?
Kami: It sounds more to me like a platonic friendship than a Big Brother situation. I never cried on these guys’ shoulders nor sought their advice. It came of its own free will.
I can understand the only child comparison. In my case, these guys from memory were close with their families or had high family values; hence GB’s parental analogy.
“Never a close friend” doesn’t sound right. If I had someone to go to in times of need, someone I trusted and wanted his protection, he’d be a close friend. Period. And to reiterate, with the exception of BB4, none of them were that close.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I didn’t mean sucked into it quite the way that comes off. Maybe, what I meant to get at was that since I have decided I have no idea what the fuck is going on, I end up in that role less.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:53 pm
I think for me, it’s more a sense of wanting to make sure that they are okay and not going to get into sticky situations. It’s definitely an act of “service” and not something everyone has in them (there are a lot of self-centred people out there). I agree with Justin though. There’s only so many times and ways you can be a BB or BS (big sister not bullshit) if you are constantly being met with resistance. Sometimes, like a parent, a BB or BS needs to know when to stop or let go too.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:08 am
So “Big Brother” is one of those Feminese code words, like “nice” and “sweet” and “dude” and “a really good friend”–that basically mean, “I wouldn’t ‘do’ you on Gilligan’s Island if Gilligan, the Professor, and the Skipper all croaked and Mr. Howell had herpes”?
I guess there is a twist here: They are all Blockers–i.e., not only are THEY not gonna get laid, they are going to keep OTHER GUYS from tappin’ Little Sister.
Or, um, maybe I am just being too cynical and they are just guys who are genuinely altruistic and get vicarious joy from your self-actualization and…BAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!
Okay, let’s get real, I have done it: Only I think we called it, “Offering that valued male perspective on why my boyfriend is so mean and insensitive and just BEING THERE TO LISTEN because you are such a good friend,” back in the old days.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:44 am
At the end of the day you still have to be there to lend a hand in the beginning for them to start trusting you with their lives. That, I did with my own free will. What came after that was just a part of life I went along with.
Maybe it’s the way a lot of the friendships are kept, the Big Brother role that I am accustomed to is watching over the people that are there in my life, and most of the people I know tend to feel more comfortable opening up to people outside their life than with people in their lives.
I guess in a way, the role of a brother for me is someone who knows of the life who would freely watch over you but not take a direct role in it save for the advice I would give in matters when they need it.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Casey: So it’s more like sliding into it by default, or finding it to be the best grounds for that friendship. I think it takes a special guy to take on the role, out of his own free will.
EM: I agree it’s an act of service, and a selfless one at that. Neither of my BBs had anything to gain but they just did it. I can relate to the BS and the equivalent of parenting too well. It’s not something I enjoyed doing but had it pushed onto me so when I’m being protective of someone younger than me, I don’t think of it in terms of BS, but a good friend. And as you say, like anyone, you can help people so much, then they have to help themselves.
Zen: You bring up some very good points.
I wouldn’t say BB is like “nice guy” because in all cases, these BBs were in relationships and had no romantic interest in me, even if I were interested to some degree.
Very good point about being Blockers. But look what they were blocking, some philandering married guy who couldn’t keep it in his pants and who gave women who slept with him a job or some career potential. I’m glad I was spared that kind of corruption. Blocked from going to pubs etc, sleeping with the One Minute Wonder (I didn’t), I totally agree.
I don’t think you’re being cynical. I like the points you raise. And whatever it may be called, BB or otherwise, you did it because you cared for the girl at some level, else it would have been easy to turn your back. As many do.
Kami: Again I question how is that different to a platonic friendship with the opposite sex? In your case, you have an expectation from them that they would open up to you, place their trust and you become their confidante. The BBs I describe had no expectations that I would give anything back.
I have platonic friendships, “nice guy” as Zen put it, but they’re not BBs. There’s a very clear distinction. It’s as if, out of the blue, these guys who aren’t that close to begin with, perform acts of protection for a transient time, then they continue with their lives.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I have a little sister, nine years my junior. Trust me I have been a BB to her without fail. I am not a brute of a man but if you cross my little sister there is a good chance if push came to shove I would perhaps loose the fight but the little sister abuser would rethink his MO.
I slip into the BB mode sometimes, with friends and what I may access as innocents, I do not suffer bullies well. I fortunately can run very fast if chased, in fact the last fight I won was by 50 yards! BB’s may want secretly want to get in your pants or they may just be decent men.
I dated a woman for a couple of years that worked at an entertainment club, I put up with her nonsense, and for the most part all her friends from the club betrayed her. I did not know she worked in clubs when we started dating but she gradually brought me into the scene and from what I witnessed first hand, more BB’s were there than big sisters. I did meet some nice ladies who I would act as a BB to, but the vast majority were not so loyal and so it goes, on both sides of the coin.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Then maybe there is no different between platonic relationship for you and being a Big Brother for me. I have no clear interested in them if anything. It’s just a protective nurturing role that I am thrust into in that moment. But if there is one consolidation, I never did know what they thought of me in any way and I never gave them any reason to give me anything nor did I share my own life with them. I always kept it one sided for their best interest at heart.
I don’t know if that’s a platonic friendship or not, but it didn’t feel like it to me.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
JW: So upbringing and family can influence it in a way, as GB mentions above.
From my experiences I’d say they’re decent men. If they wanted secretly to get into my pants, they never tried nor did they act in a manner to warrant suspicion. After all, they were all in happy relationships.
I can only imagine it would be difficult to truly understand that scene. And to know that directed protection is actually needed and appreciated. Come to think of it, I never thanked BB2 officially. I hope I showed it in other ways or that he somehow understood.
Kami: I think you and I have different definitions based on different experiences here. Of course, there’s no right or wrong. It becomes a subjective point of view based on different criteria.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
have you been a Big Brother to someone?
Well, I actually have a RL little sister so yes… I most certainly have.
But I have also been a BB in the sense you describe, several times in my life. I am not really sure where the motivation comes from, but I do relate to many of the attributes you note. I think I behave very differently toward the “little sisters” that are not immediately related to me ( or in my extended family… I have two there as well! ), but the motivation comes from a similar place. I guess I have to like the person and feel some sort of connection with them, but I also need to share a passion with them and see that they have a drive or desire to do or be something. I never expect payment of any sort… and never intend to “claim” my part in any future success they achieve. When it all comes down to it, I probably get a kick out of seeing someone benefit from learning what I’ve learnt.
Great post. Made me smile thinking of a few of my little sisters.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Gboy: Reading your comment made me smile, a lot. It made me feel as if I am getting one of my BB’s perspectives.
I think we’re on the same plane. The shared passion, the connection, the selfless actions and the “not really sure where the motivation comes from”. If they’re anything like me, I’m sure your little sisters appreciate you a lot, and will do so for years to come. Although I no longer see BB1 to 3, I haven’t forgotten them and will always remember their acts of kindness. This post is testament for it.
You’re welcome. I like it when something I write makes people feel good :).