CBMused

Sex is frivolous and silly and is also, simultaneously, the most important thing we have. To each of us it has a different ken. It’s how we create the generations that will follow us. It’s exciting and titillating and fun. It’s the ultimate expression of profound love for another person. In sex, we bare ourselves before another person; what other activity is so intimate and personal and so complex.

There are no easy answers for complex situations like those of your friends. In all relationships, we have to hope that honesty and communication can adequately convey our needs and desires, and that efforts can be made to come together by both involved. Shane and Megan need to talk to their partners to find a solution, no matter what that may be. But stark views and beliefs about right and wrong should be examined in such situations; in them, the only true right way is the one that leads to happiness for both people involved.

I think the minute infidelity occurs, a large portio of the relationship is killed forever. That is the chance you’re taking when you let temptations get the better of you. I’ve known some “open” marriages, and they always seemed contrived and doomed to failure over time.

For whatever reason, there are always strings of one sort or another. Those strings are pretty minor, I think, between friends who have find themselves crossing the line or with strangers you meet that night. those strings, I can live with, but when you mess around with someone’s wife, then you have strings attached to her, her husband, and her kids (assuming she has them).

My answer is always to leave first. If you need strange that bad, then cut loose and go it alone like the rest of us seekers. If your partner doesn’t put out, let them no you consider it important enough to leave over (if you really do).

Of course, I’m in a leaving place right now, and not one to stick things out. Under normal circumstances, I am loyal to a fault, and have stuck it out through some bullshit, but I don’t think I would anymore. I would leave, then get sad, sad, breakup ass.

Like you, I tend to have the same initial reaction - no excuses for playing away, none at all. But… like any moral dilemma, it seems simple on first inspection, but increasingly convoluted and complex with each subsequent analysis.

I’ve known a few people who claim that there is an “understanding” ( I am talking married couples here ) that seeking action “on the side” is acceptable. Without exception this has been one sided. I think the same goes for “Open” relationships… I have not known many but the ones I have were never balanced. Typically, one was more jealous and insecure while the other was more dismissive and indifferent. A guy I used to work with and known since school was a serial cheater - even a week before his wedding I bumped into him out on the town, his lecherous tongue down the throat of some “pull”. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen it either. All he’d ever do was shrug his shoulders, like it was a stutter or some idiosynchrasy he was cursed with. I reckon his fiancee probably knew he was like that…. and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t.

In cases like that it’s easy to take the moral high ground, but in the second instance you cited it’s not so easy. It then becomes a case of where each person draws the line, beyond which they might say “I no longer a life, as such, with this person”. Some people remain utterly faithful emotionally and sexually while their partners lie in comas for years and years. Others use obesity as justification for seeking the linear lambada outside of wedlock.

I’ll be perfectly honest and say, that faced with one of those heartbreaking situations ( like the coma scenario ), after years and years, I could not say how or if I would cope. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t walked a mile in those shoes can.

Good topic Cléa.

Crikey, I’m not sure if my comment was lost or not. I came back here to basically say my previous comment was about as wishy washy as you can get. Maybe my comment will magically reappear.

And you’re right Cléa that breaking up because you’re in a bad relationship is the right thing to do. In retrospect, it’s what I should have done despite my naivety.

Yet I know some people that simply can’t because they simply cannot make or even see that choice. In part, out of fear for many things, but mostly because complacency, escapism and comfort being where they are leads to the belief that it’ll all be alright. It’s that fine line that they don’t want to end.

In my case, no…it’s not a bad relationship, but somehow a healthy one. It’s hard to explain until you see it for yourself. She knows I’m a flirt. I know she’s a flirt. It’s that understanding between one another that allows us to know that while we may go out and have fun with others, we will always come home to bed together at the end of the day. That kind of security and trust is something you don’t find in every relationship.

I agree with you - once you are in a committed relationship, infidelity is absolutely out of the question. SO, the solution to both Shane and Megan’s problem is simple: LEAVE. If someone doesn’t have the guts to get out of an unhappy situation, that is their shortcoming and frankly I do not feel sorry for them. The second (and I mean second) my significant other used sex as a weapon I would be out of there, I do not care how much I loved them. Similarly, if my significant other lost interest in me sexually - bye bye! It sounds cold, but I would rather have self-respect than love.

But this is just me. I realize people have widely ranging views on these matters. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be in a situation like you have described - however some people don’t have the ability to do this, the need someone else in their life no matter what. That is their choice, of course.

If she wants a dad for baby, things will have to change. That’s a bit of a stark reality for your friend, but it might work. If not, then she could be in the market for a new man. Maybe Shane can touch himself in a soothing way each morning? Just a thought.

“Infidelity did not come in shades in grey.” I would not have expect such a quote from you.
Well, life is NEVER black and white. Maybe it is not good… but it is a fact.

I don’t think there is really such a thing as sex without any kind of emotion attached. Even if you are that cold hearted there still might be other feelings associated like guilt, or worrying that someone will find out or something of THAT ilk. You can’t have something like sex happen without SOME kind of consequence in the emotion department. That’s how I see it anyway.

I have no issue with open relationships. I wouldn’t stand to live in one however I think it’s cool if both parties truly consent to it. If it doesn’t hurt anyone else then fine. Infidelity has nothing to do with open relationships though. Infidelity is about going behind someone’s back. It’s about lying. It’s about completely disregarding the feelings of the person you are committed to by breaking the bond/trust you have with them. This is being a shitty partner end of story - no grey area there. Therefore no matter how you talk yourself around to the ‘but I had no choice but to stray’ way of thinking, it’s still wrong - not because of the sex so much but because it’s living a complete lie. It’s also putting your partner in danger of an STD, which is IMO a horrible thing to do to someone else. I don’t see any situation where the people involved can’t break up first if they don’t want to be in the relationship.

Your first example - Shane needs to just have the conversation and be done with it. Seriously, I agree with Egan and the ’she always wins’ in the end thing …well I don’t buy it. Either he tells her this is what he’s feeling or he doesn’t. Is it hard? Bloody hell yes, but if worse comes to worse he could even write a note (if she seriously won’t let him get a word in). There’s no grey area there.

The other example is different because the guy now has brain damage… She must be feeling the guilt of maybe wanting to leave him but feeling bad for bailing out. That’s horrible. I actually DO know someone in a similar circumstance and it’s actually a guy in the situation. His partner has sustained brain damage and they really don’t get along anymoe. While she was dying (though she survived) she made a request of him and he promised her that he would stay forever. The thing is, she didn’t die and now she’s a completely different person. He feels like he made her a promise to her that he can’t break now. Meanwhile, who comes back into his life? His first love (20 years later!) ..that tells him that she’s always loved him. I mean….THAT’S a grey area! I feel sympathy for all concerned in a situation like this but I do feel most sad for the woman who is cheated on. But yeah, a situation like that is probably the only grey area that makes sense - even though it’s still wrong..no matter how you look at it.

“But let me throw this in, if it was a once only, and the couple had a strong and long-term relationship, a happy one at that, but one of them strayed once for whatever (unacceptable) reason, would you want to know? It’s not so black and white, is it?” - I’m afraid this is black and white for me.

I have had a situation where this happened and it was kept from me. I found out about the instance from a source other than my (then) partner. I ended things immediately despite being the happiest I had been and I never once regretted it or thought “If only I had never found out.” If anything I was angry that I had spent a few months feeling happy when it was completely based on a false image of the other person.

I think the decision not to tell always carries some element of the person who cheated feeling like, “Why bother my partner with this? They don’t deserve the unhappiness that the truth will bring.” In fact, the thing that was undeserved was the betrayal/breaking of trust.