When I said long-term relationship I had this in mind. Recently, an older relative of mine found out after 30+ years of marriage, her husband had cheated on her in the past. They’d been happy otherwise and now she’s devastated. As wrong as it is, I’m not certain that she would have been better off not knowing. It’s not an excuse, personally I could never stand the husband, but I’m undecided as to whether the knowledge now is a good thing or not. That’s what I see as a grey area. But in your case, and that of my close friends, it was definitely black and white.

Kami: “it is in its motives and consequences that determines how acceptable it is to society” – and that is why my reactions to both Shane and Megan’s situations affected me in different ways.

However, it is in its motives and consequences that determines how acceptable it is to society. To run to the arms of someone who cares to escape a bad relationship may sound justified, just as one given in purely to animal instinct be unacceptable.

We all have a choice whether we can see it or admit it. It just depends on why you do it. Unfortunately, most people do it for the sex. It’s hard to believe that people can stray for a nobler reason. It’s an oxymoron, I know. Cheating. Noble. But like you said, we just might be romantics.

I have had a situation where this happened and it was kept from me. I found out about the instance from a source other than my (then) partner. I ended things immediately despite being the happiest I had been and I never once regretted it or thought “If only I had never found out.” If anything I was angry that I had spent a few months feeling happy when it was completely based on a false image of the other person.

I think the decision not to tell always carries some element of the person who cheated feeling like, “Why bother my partner with this? They don’t deserve the unhappiness that the truth will bring.” In fact, the thing that was undeserved was the betrayal/breaking of trust.

Kami: I have to be honest and say that it’s not for me. Dating others while in a committed relationship is not something I would agree to, on either side.

Thanks for the clarification. I realise that I wanted to exclude such discussions then I asked the question. This topic obviously deserves a post of its own.

Mez: Those emotions you describe are often left out of the equation but it’s true, they’re all part of it.

The “I had no choice…” doesn’t gel with me. Even in Shane’s case, he has a choice, whichever way he decides. I’m with you and Egan, about being more forthright with Natalie, as I know it’s one of his weaknesses and I often tell him to be more assertive when it comes to her whims.

The story of your friend saddens me and it sounds quite similar to Megan’s. When their personality changes, it’s out of anyone’s control. You often hear, “they’re not the same person I fell in love with” and usually it denotes a change here and there or falling out of love, but when it’s that severe, it makes for a miserable life. I see it in her.

I have no issue with open relationships. I wouldn’t stand to live in one however I think it’s cool if both parties truly consent to it. If it doesn’t hurt anyone else then fine. Infidelity has nothing to do with open relationships though. Infidelity is about going behind someone’s back. It’s about lying. It’s about completely disregarding the feelings of the person you are committed to by breaking the bond/trust you have with them. This is being a shitty partner end of story - no grey area there. Therefore no matter how you talk yourself around to the ‘but I had no choice but to stray’ way of thinking, it’s still wrong - not because of the sex so much but because it’s living a complete lie. It’s also putting your partner in danger of an STD, which is IMO a horrible thing to do to someone else. I don’t see any situation where the people involved can’t break up first if they don’t want to be in the relationship.

Your first example - Shane needs to just have the conversation and be done with it. Seriously, I agree with Egan and the ’she always wins’ in the end thing …well I don’t buy it. Either he tells her this is what he’s feeling or he doesn’t. Is it hard? Bloody hell yes, but if worse comes to worse he could even write a note (if she seriously won’t let him get a word in). There’s no grey area there.

The other example is different because the guy now has brain damage… She must be feeling the guilt of maybe wanting to leave him but feeling bad for bailing out. That’s horrible. I actually DO know someone in a similar circumstance and it’s actually a guy in the situation. His partner has sustained brain damage and they really don’t get along anymoe. While she was dying (though she survived) she made a request of him and he promised her that he would stay forever. The thing is, she didn’t die and now she’s a completely different person. He feels like he made her a promise to her that he can’t break now. Meanwhile, who comes back into his life? His first love (20 years later!) ..that tells him that she’s always loved him. I mean….THAT’S a grey area! I feel sympathy for all concerned in a situation like this but I do feel most sad for the woman who is cheated on. But yeah, a situation like that is probably the only grey area that makes sense - even though it’s still wrong..no matter how you look at it.

An open relationship to me is one where all your relationships are on the same level. You’re with everyone and no one at the same time. In my case, I am with someone. It is a serious relationship. At the same time, I can go out and have fun with other people. I think in a way, it is the way we define dating. It’s casual but it’s without expectations. It’s fun, but it’s sincere. Would it be fair for me to say you take it on a more serious level, one with expectations of something more?

The only attachments I have is to the one person I devote my life to. I’m not saying that this works for everyone. Finding a woman secure enough to trust her man to go out with other women without doing anything stupid to jeopardize the relationship they already have is nigh improbable. But that’s how it’s worked out. Everything has a reason, even for the people I go out with.