Don’t Leave Home Without It
CBMUSED at 5:55 pm Category: GeneralTags: cbmused, don't leave home without it, mindless chatter, remote control, sales assistants, shop like a man, shopping
For a woman with a penchant for things beautiful, I am often told that I do my fair sex a disservice. I have an intense dislike of one of my gender’s favourite pastimes: shopping. When I shop, I am looking to buy specific items. I do not window-shop. I target the stores that sell what I want and if something pleases my eye, I try on and buy. In other words, I shop like a man.
And when I occasionally partake in this onerous task, and I do need to be in the right mood, I do not wish to be subjected to the sales assistants’ inane banter in the pursuit of dollars, when a simple hello would suffice.
“And how are you today?”
I’ve had a day from hell dealing with a colleague’s ego, and the meeting ran for over two hours… Do you really want to know about my day?
“Looking for anything particular?”
Yes, wasting your time. Stop trying to make yourself busy in front of the boss.
“What’s the weather like outside?”
Glorious. Sunny. Warm. You’re missing out.
“This [item] suits you.”
Not when it’s creasing here and here, and gaping here.
“I always have to take the hem up too.”
Don’t care about you. I’m the one with the Amex card.
This weekend, after an unusually successful shopping spree, and feeling just a tad pleased with my purchases, I stopped at the lingerie section of a department store. The sales assistant noticed the number of bags I was carrying and decided I would be a good a target for mindless chatter.
“Shopping for something special?”
Yeah, something for a night of wild sex and debauchery.
“Not really,” I replied.
“You’ve done well today,” she said pointing to my purchases. “Any special occasion?”
None of your goddamn business.
“Spending money.”
I stepped aside to the adjoining display rack and watched her as she sought her next victim. The woman was carrying a number of shopping bags from various stores, so the same scenario replayed.
“Any special occasion?” she blabbered. “Finally got yourself out of the house, and the kids are away with their friends?”
I watched the look of horror on the woman’s face. She was barely of an age to have “kids away with friends” nor did she look the housebound type. She gave the sales assistant the evil eye and turned on her heel. I did the same, and pitied the next young woman with a little extra weight around the middle for she’d be shown the maternity section.
In the interests of shopper mental health and better credit card swiping, I suggest a simple solution. Shoppers should be given a free remote control, one that comes with multiple options, including a freeze and a mute button to silence the annoying and often invasive gibberish some sales staff dish out in the name of “looking busy” or making a sale. I, for one, would not leave home without it.
After all, I did say I shop like a man.
March 30th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Your dislike for shopping is sexy. For some reason I don’t mind it so much. I think I look at it as a social experiment with all those questions I’m asked. Today I was offered tea while in a cosmetics store. I have to say I liked the tea very much. My wife pumped her fist in the air after we left said store with the one item she “needed” to buy.
Clea, I could totally see you in a sales job. (man, I can’t even type that with a straight face) That’s like you working in an Apple store, so not going to happen.
March 30th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Whoa, I so hate it when a sales staff latches on to me like a leach to a skin. That being said, I try to wave them off as soon as I get there unless I really need their help to begin with. I really appreciate it when people get the hint.
“Can I help you with anything?”
“No. But maybe I can help you. Have you found Jesus?”
Very broad hints alright.
March 30th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
LOL at Edrei’s comment… one I have used on one occasion:
Shop assisitant: How are you going in there?
GB ( in change room ): Yeah fine thanks, I’ve been dressing myself for almost two full years now.
You certainly do shop like a guy Cléa, well, a straight, a-metro one at least.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Egan: Sexy? That’s a first. Tea and cosmetics? That’s another first. Now if they were to serve Martinis, it might just drown their chatter…
I have worked in sales for many years when I was a student, so I know the pressures they are on. But a little bit of tact and sensibility are required. If someone doesn’t want to chat, leave them alone. Forcing them to talk will make them run. I do.
Edrei: I try to shoo them off as well, but some insist on standing in my face and making eye contact.
You’re selling them Jesus… fabulous!
Gboy: You have to answer this for me, is it a female or male shop assistant that you’ve told? Cause it makes a hell of a difference.
Thank you… in and out as quick as I can. Um… yeah, a straight metrosexual one.
PS You’re killing me with your addy!
March 31st, 2008 at 12:46 am
Trust you to pine for a remote that will help you shop. You are also like most men when it comes to your love and desire for cool electronic gadgets, right?
Seriously though - if you get that remote could you send one my way?
March 31st, 2008 at 4:48 am
I hate shopping too–unless you put me in a used bookstore, or a new book store for that matter. Then I’m a wallet busting freak.
Yes, all stores should have the bell that you ring by the counter if you want service, and otherwise they should leave you alone. Sales staff always seem offended for some strange reason whenever I tell them I don’t need their help, then when I do have a question, they’re a bit on the snotty side.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:12 am
This is weird because I just had a similar experience about a half an hour ago.
I was at Syms–most of the “Educators” (that’s what they call them) know me and leave me alone.
But I wanted to at least LOOK at the blue jeans.
There was this new guy standing like a Buckingham Palace guard in front of my size.
I did all of my other shopping–which took at least an hour–for ties and crap.
HE WAS STILL THERE!
He stood at parade rest for the whole time in the same place–right in front of where I know they have my size of blue jeans–if, in fact, they have my size, which is very rare.
FINALLY he moved.
I didn’t want to play the “May I help you?” game for his sake–because there is no way he would have found my size, which in blue jeans, like i say, is very rare when they have it. It would have been a mutual exercise in painful, strained, frustrated social interaction.
(But when they DO have it it is always a really good brand like Ralph Lauren for really cheap.)
I had to really feel sorry for the guy–as boring as my job is, HIS job is probably like Sartre’s version of hell.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:04 am
GSR: Sometimes I think I’m missing a Y chromosome!
And if I find one, I’ll be a millionaire selling them. You’d be the first to test the prototype, ok?
Eric 1313: Bookstores are made for browsing. Actually, nobody asks you anything there. And I can’t stand snotty attitudes or those who spend more time talking to each other when you’re standing in the queue waiting to pay.
Zen: I know what you mean, when you need service, they don’t give it to you, or hog an area you want to go through without interruptions. Let’s face it, we’re in a department store, not Christian Dior Couture!
Love your use of “Sartre’s version of hell”. Bravo!
March 31st, 2008 at 9:45 am
If you find “one” what? A Y chromosome or a remote? Either way I bet you could make some money, but I hope you wouldn’t ask me to test pilot a Y chromosome
March 31st, 2008 at 10:31 am
Cléa… it was some fluffy young blonde thing who’d done too many disco biscuits I’d say. I wouldn’t say that to a man servant… I mean the ambiguity might be momentarily entertaining, but ultimately awkward.
BTW… who’s this guy??
http://www.cbmuse.com/
!!!
March 31st, 2008 at 10:49 am
GSR: A remote! A remote! If I find a Y chromosome, I’d want to test it on someone else…
Gboy: I know the type… usually in tight clothes, with titties hanging out. But it would have been more juicy if it were a man
Wow! My alter ego… another talented artist, wouldn’t you say?
March 31st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I hate shopping… so of course I also dislike sales assistants.
I might do an exception for an exceptionally cute and friendly saleslady…
I am a man after all…
March 31st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
If there I am planning a trip I will often use this as an excuse to shop for a couple of pants, new underwear, other things and socks. It is more expensive than the dry cleaner but less of a hassle.I enjoy the new cloths and even shopping , which is sale rack to sale rack then the rack of the cool shirt that cost’s to much but this is the one you are going to wear on the big night out and how can one not celebrate a big night out than without spilling or vomiting on your cool man shirt! However I rarely will leave a store to go to another looking just for the right pair of pants.
March 31st, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Whoops, forgot that the OpenID was off already so my name goes back to being Edrei.
Yeah…nothing says “stand far away from me” than selling someone that best selling of products…religion…or Amway. Whichever works best.
Speaking of which, there are times when I would walk around for hours trying to find that right thing to buy as opposed to simply going and coming out with the stuff. Finding the right mouse for my computer for instance, that comes to mind and that took me a full hour to buy myself one. Gadgets are the one thing I’m willing to shop like a female for.
“Does this mouse go with my keyboard and webcam? Or is it a button too many?”
Decisions decisions.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Sidney: Even gorgeous male sales staff won’t make the experience that pleasurable. Though a little flirt never hurt anyone…
JW: Sounds like you enjoy it but need an excuse. Do men really think of spilling and vomiting on their shirts?!
Kami: I knew it was you :).
Selling Amway to shop assistants… priceless!
I do my gadget research online since most geeky sales staff have no idea. See, I still shop like a man!
March 31st, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Well, to get a better bargain, sometimes you have to be willing to go the distance for that little extra value. Does that make me a female shopper at heart?
April 1st, 2008 at 12:52 am
In a strange way I enjoy the brief moment of finding some new stuff, if I am on a first date it is nice to have a fresh pair of cloths hanging in the closet poised for action! But the shopping does not drag on, its one store and then, done-o-reno!
April 1st, 2008 at 3:03 am
Hilarious!
I like shopping, as long as it’s for swords of some sort of catfish trap. But that is just common sense.
April 1st, 2008 at 8:33 am
Kami: In one word… yep!
JW: Nothing beats the new stuff feeling, and the first time it’s worn. And you’ve reaffirmed my suspicion that that I must have a bit of a Y chromosome in me.
Jarod: Shopping for swords would fascinate me. Especially if they’re like those Japanese ones or the ancient Arabian ones. Not that I’d want to keep one handy for anything.
April 1st, 2008 at 9:29 am
Oh yes indeed.
I am a man, Clea, and you shop like me.
Though being a single man at present, I rarely stop for a browse in the lingerie department.
In fact, I don’t even know my own size.
April 1st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
In that case I am honoured.
Having recently become acquainted with Winters’ archives, I’d say you wouldn’t have any trouble being measured up for pants… or being measured for size, *cough*, underwear size…