Martini Moments
CBMUSED at 6:50 pm Category: Martini MomentsTags: anxiety dreams, cbmused, look like animals, Martini Moments, oddities, smoked cheese, teddy bear soap
Martini Moments…… While Contemplating Oddities
1. There is something awfully disturbing about lathering up in the shower using soap in the shape of a teddy bear. Whoever thinks up these gifts ideas is a little deranged. Especially when teddy’s legs fall off.
2. Does anyone here eat smoked cheese, or know of anyone who does, or has even heard of smoked cheese?
3. It’s a known fact that some people look like animals. I have a distant relative who looks like a duck and I knew a boy who looked like a dog.
4. Why is 4 am the witch’s hour and how can one be rid of bizarre anxiety dreams?
5. In the space of two days, I’ve had one man adjust himself while looking me straight in the eye, another cup his crotch as he got into the cool water right in front of me, and another lower the waistband of his shorts and scratch himself in a way I could see his tattoo and pubes. What gives?
March 18th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I can’t quite explain it, but your number 3 may be one of the funniest things I’ve seen you write (no small feat).
Also, I’ve been given smoked Gouda as a cheese option at some wine tastings. I wasn’t a big fan.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:12 am
I’m trying to wrap my head around your teddy bear missing legs thing. Good clean thoughts Monkey Boy, clean thoughts.
Were any of these guys wearing Speedo suits? I think it’s great to show the pubes while in front of women, it drives the ladies wild… or most likely not.
I’ve had smoked cheese on several occasions, but it’s not a favorite of mine. I wouldn’t buy it, but I will eat it if it’s available. What are you doing up so damn late?
March 19th, 2008 at 4:44 am
Smoked cheese is cheese infused with a hickory-type flavor in the cheaper varieties; it would be actually “smoked”–i.e., put in a large room and exposed to smoke, giving the outside a sort of mustard brown “skin”–in the more expensive kind.
Modernly, there would just be additives placed in the cheese to make it look like and taste like it was smoked.
I have had it–it is a staple of tourist-trap stops on the Interstate especially in Southern or Appalacian areas.
For instance, I would be very surprised if the store that is attached to the Cracker Barrel did not have some form of smoked cheese.
A lot of people probably feel that smoked cheese is declasse’.
To them, I say: “Lighten up, Mr. Fancy Pants. Try some smoked cheese!”
March 19th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Haha!
You weren’t in Brooklyn at the time the men adjusted themselves, were you? It would offer an explanation. Scratch that (…get it?), pretty much anywhere in America will yield those results.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:38 am
2. Smoked gouda is the best of the smoked cheeses. I’m not sure how the smoking of cheese works, since it seems the smoking would melt the cheese. Maybe I’m uninformed about the nature of smoking foods.
4. I have no idea, and wish nightly as of late I could figure that out.
5. Take it as a compliment, I guess. You cause people to freeze/itch. It’s a superpower.
I like your blog.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Dutch Smoked has been a staple on my cheeseboards for years, … Wow, I just read that over and think it is probably the wankiest thing I have ever written… um, but seriously, it’s delicious. I think it has a ring of meat around it which might be where the smoked bit comes in but not sure.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:38 am
GSR: Really? It’s so true though, they look like animals. But oh dear… I know I’m so bad at attempting to write humour!
I’m not a fan of smoked cheese either, though I’ve tasted it before.
Flamboyant Egan with Clean Thoughts: There are no clean thoughts, unless you’re washing you mind out with teddy soap. That is my point. Teddy bits go everywhere!
Yes!!! And badly fitted Speedos too, ie too loose and not flattering, and for the record they weren’t old men in Speedos either. As for seeing the pubes while he scratched, I was tempted to ask what he’d just bought from the pharmacy…
Me either on the smoked cheese. I’d pass.
Up? I go to sleep all right, then wake up with bad dreams at 4 am…
Zen: As always you’re very well informed. I’ve had the mustard brown skin variety. I’m not a fan, and I may borrow your term of déclassé next time it comes up in conversation, or when it’s served… just to get a reaction. Give me a Brie any day!
Jarod: No, I was in my unnamed part of the world, but good (?) to know that it’s universal. Scratch that… you’re earning the title of King of the Pun!
Casey: Firstly hello and welcome
and thank you for your comment.
2. Hmm… this Gouda seems to be a popular choice. I can’t remember the type I’ve had but it left me yearning for supermarket Cheddar, and that’s how bad it was!
4. As alternative as this may sound, burning lavender oil before going to bed hasn’t helped either. There has to be a way to purge these…
5. Ooh… love that response. In fact, it’s going into the Martini Lounge.
Thank you :).
Felix: You really really like it? I find the texture/taste a bit, well, let’s just say it’s not like ‘real’ cheese to me.
I like how the word ‘wankiest’ and ‘smoked cheese’ feature in the same comment. But that’s just me being weird.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:39 am
1. Disturbing? No. Cute and amusing? Yes! Then again, that’s probably due to my morbid sense of humour. What would be disturbing would be that the legs and arms can move. Now that’s a whole different ball game.
2. Yes. No. Yes. Delicious no matter what the flavour.
3. My high school biology teacher looked and walked like a penguin. A particularly tall penguin but cute all the same.
4. I thought it was 3am? And a glass of bourbon works well for me.
5. Try holding a pair of scissors or a blade in your hand, looking back and forth at them with a wide grin. Rest assured, no more itchy pubes in your direction ever again.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
How does one look like a duck, Clea? Is it the beak, the webbed feet or just a general demeanor?
I think me mistaking someone for a duck might be a “ten martini’s moment.”
March 19th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Kami:
1. That is way too freaky, nightmarish stuff… I’ll try to void that thought when next in the shower.
2. Hmm… I was kind hoping for replies such as “smoked what…?”
3. Now I know where your penguin fetish comes from!
4. Either way… nothing works, not even a Martini.
5. Yes, while mouthing snip snip… that ought to do it.
Simon: The girl in question has a face like a duck, a mouth like a beak, a round figure, much wider bottom than top and she waddles when she walks. The moment she smiles, she looks like a quacking duck. Even my parents agree she looks like a duck. (This is response is written while totally lucid on 0 Martinis)
But I’d love to read about your 10 Martini Moments…
March 19th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
1. all I can say is “lucky teddy”. Having his legs fall off is a small price to pay I am sure. ROFL
2. I lurrrrrrrrrrve smoked Dutch cheese. Got some in the fridge right now. Hmmm. Now I am hungry. Damn… no cracked pepper crackers.
3. … and then there’s people who have surgery to look EVEN MORE like animals.
4. uh oh… someone’s gone to work in the nude again…
5. OMG! You don’t think that soapy teddy is a VOODOO DOLL perhaps? Think about it!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
GBoy:
1. Lucky Teddy? Hmm… well, he’s not complaining. See his picture? (frosted, cause he’s naked)
2. Not you too? I’m never going to live this down!
3. … and that sells trashy magazines.
4. Or barefoot. I always dream of bare feet, though I wish these latest ones were as simple.
5. Eww… I have a voodoo doll. With pins in the groin region!
March 20th, 2008 at 1:15 am
One Christmas my sister gave me two bars of soap that looked like babies crying, odd but I displayed them in my bathroom then ran out of regular soap and had to dig into my novelty stash. Can one ever really feel clean after rubbing a crying baby under your arm? Smearing baby face on a wash cloth makes me feel sad, so I am glad the baby soap is all gone.
March 20th, 2008 at 3:43 am
I’m honored. I would like to thank Austin Nichols and God.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:37 am
Hey, I am not saying I love smoked cheese. I hardly turn down cheese, even if it is smoked.. but it’s nowhere near my favorite stuff. I think my favourite is called New Amsterdam, now that’s solid cheese.
Lucky bear he is. Guys showing pubes isn’t so sexy is it. I’ve noted this for my future beach gatherings.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:02 am
I am not sure on the crotch-grabbing…
Offhand, I would attribute it to a declension in the social mores, and a denigration of what we call acceptable social behavior.
Either that, or you are really a hairy Teamster who flashes asscrack, and you hang around other hairy Teamsters all day. Since you flash hairy asscrack, they respond in kind by adjusting themselves. They are in effect showing you a desire to blue-collar, “male bond” in the spirit of fraternity that the Teamsters foster. (And I hope the male bonding does not include hunting me down and kicking my ass for making fun of Teamsters….)
I am leaning towards the former.
Mainly because of the guy at the beach you mentioned.
Teamsters don’t hang out on the beach that much–unless they are delivering fresh oxygen tanks to the lifeguards on Baywatch or something.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:25 am
Isn’t Gouda smoked? I tastes like pooh, but I think it’s usually served smoked.
And I love that some dude actually cupped his junk before getting into the water. I’ve only ever seen little boys do that…too funny.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:15 am
JW: That’s exactly what I did. Ran out of soap and thought I’d use the cutesy gift stuff. But babies crying under armpits… do you blame them?
Casey: * crowds stands up – loud applause*
My pleasure
Egan: I’m a cheese lover too. Brie de Meaux is one of my favourites, especially when ripe and gooey.
Glad you noted it. And while we’re onto noting, commando is no good either…
Zen: I tend to agree that it has something to do with a denigration of acceptable social behaviour. I wouldn’t go as far to say that they feel like I’m one of the boys, since they’re strangers. I worked with a guy once who used to adjust himself often, and I took note of the context. It was alpha male behaviour at its best.
Sicilian Mama: Not having tasted poo, I wouldn’t know
But yes, it has an awful texture and after taste, so I don’t think it’s that far off.
Little boys… I’m going to remember that if it happens next. And I’ll be thinking ‘little’… thanks for the laugh.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:16 pm
3. Well, for a biology teacher, I have to admit, she was pretty as a peach.
5. I wouldn’t want to open up your own morbid sense of humour. We haven’t even seen what the dark mistress of the domain can do to us poor souls.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Kami:
3. Sounds like she’s had quite an impact on you.
5. Not worth it I assure you. As for the capabilities of the dark mistress, I’d probably end up surprising myself one day!