Faded Friendships of a Forgotten Past
CBMUSED at 3:36 pm Category: LifeTags: cbmused, friendships, memories, past, relationships
There is a common perception that when a tragedy of sorts hits, we discover who our real friends are. Unmet expectations from close ones can shatter us while new friends emerge to support us and become our lifeline, diffusing much of our angst and fears. But once we have overcome that life-changing event, and our lives are on the mend, it is not uncommon for those friendships to fade, and consciously little effort is made to restore them.
It’s not that we are ungrateful or selfish. We often hold them in high esteem and always remember them for their kindness. But in essence, they serve as a reminder of a time best forgotten. They may have seen us at our worst and know our deepest vulnerabilities. Although they have played an active and key role in supporting us, we no longer wish to be reminded of those times.
These friendships wane. And we knowingly let go of them as we have let go of those turbulent times. More often than not, we remember them with wistful nostalgia yet we know beyond doubt that we were responsible for the denouement.
I could cite examples of renowned people who have lived through it, relationships that have survived serious illnesses to see a person into recovery yet the glue that held them together has loosened and come undone. It is ubiquitous to life if we take an honest and examining look around.
I have relinquished such a friendship for similar reasons. I could unconvincingly say that our interests had diverged but I know that she will always be a reminder of a time I must file in the archives in order to live a brighter present.
Yet despite my valid reasons, it leaves me with a little sadness.
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Have you been in a friendship that you have let fade away because it triggers memories of a past best forgotten? Have you relinquished a relationship (or potential one) because the person may have seen you at your worst? Your opinion…
March 11th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Alas, my life is scattered with lost friendships… but that is life… in the end we will all do the last trip alone…
March 11th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
It leaves me with a lot of sadness. To leave a friendship behind like that at least.
As much as I like to admit that I don’t let go of friendships easily. Yes, perhaps it’s the circumstances of the past which cause friendships to fade away. The irony is, friendships don’t fade because I cannot handle the fact that I have seen the worst in people or people have seen the worst in me. It’s because people think otherwise when they see the worst in me that they begin to drift away.
I’ve learnt not to fight that kind of drifting because many a times people just can’t see past the bad.
I don’t think that having seen the worst or having shown the worst calls for a separation of friendship especially one that has been strong for so long. It shouldn’t matter one bit to have your sense of self overwrite good memories of the past. Personally, I just don’t understand why. Sometimes I just don’t want to think about why that happens.
I’ve lost too many friends and potential friends this way and it sickens me a lot.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Hmmm… I have a feeling you have spoken about this person ( fairly ) recently in another context… but maybe I am doing too much reading between the lines.
I can’t honestly say I have let a friendship go for such a reason… perhaps because there are a limited number of scenarios that can lead to it… and these are foreign to me ( or yet to be experienced ).
Thus far, I have only ever revoked a freindship on the basis of betrayal. It’s not something I do lightly… but once done, it stays done.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Sidney: Having just spent the day at a funeral, I agree with you. Lucky are those with close family who stick by them.
Kami: Like you, I hold on to friendships, even across geographical locations and have friends for life. The ones I refer to here are different. The key is that these friendships/relationship are a reminder of a painful past.
It sounds like they’re uncomfortable with something, and they let go. Fighting it won’t make them stay. eg if my friend wanted to reconnect, I wouldn’t necessarily let it happen for my reasons but I wouldn’t push her away either.
It may not call for a separation overnight, but it happens and we allow it.
GBoy: This is a different situation where if we were to get together again, the painful reminders would be brought up, and I need to leave them in the past, so she remains in the past. Not something I’m proud of , but I have to think of my best interest. And I know that she’d understand, which is why she let go of it as well and has not made contact.
Letting go because of betrayal or bad blood is different again. The friendships/relationships I refer to here are all good, but faded because they’re reminders.
Maybe some friendships/relationships serve a purpose then they end?
March 12th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Hmm this is an interesting post. I haven’t had any faded friendships because I wanted to forget any hard times they have helped me through. And I’ve never had a friend who did this to me when roles were reversed. For me, a friendship ends when that person has hurt me. Never because of wanting to forget certain memories.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:07 am
EM: I’ve given this topic more thought since I replied to the last comment and it sounds a little confusing without the specifics. If you haven’t had a situation that warrants it, then it wouldn’t make sense and it sounds heartless, and out of character. I’ve been on both sides of it, and I understand each side’s perspective.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I’ve been guilty of this a few times and it has left me with some mixed emotions. In my case there were people from college that I lost touch with, and when I had a chance to reconnect I chose not to because I felt like the person they knew so well wasn’t in me anymore. I also didn’t want to risk exposing some new/important people in my life to some of these people based on what I remembered of them. During college I was very close with them (even had one of them as a roommate), but when some real time passed and I lost touch with them I decided I didn’t want to have them as part of my life.
Sometimes I think about sending an e-mail that would act as some type of olive branch, but I’ve never actually hit send.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:59 am
I don’t think it sounds heartless at all. Friendships end for all sorts of reasons and I don’t judge that. But you’re right about me needing to be in that specific type of situation to understand it fully.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Cléa, I guess for me at least, it is in going through that painful pasts together that forges the strongest friendships. Especially ones that are directed at both parties. You see the worst in them, they see the worst in you. You begin to understand them. With hope they begin to understand you. It’s a kind of bond that you can’t get anywhere else.
Maybe in this matter I still cling on to the hope and idealism that true friendship can survive insurmountable odds and bond through that kind of conflict. Ironic that I don’t always practice the same beliefs.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Are you kidding?
I have excommunicated some of my best friends because they remind me of the time I got a $50 ticket for an improper lane change!
If somebody reminds you of something bad that happened, shut them out of your life and never speak to them again!
Bad memories are BAD–so anyone who reminds you of something bad must be bad. (I think that’s called, “The Transitive Property” in Philosophy.)
The only exceptions are:
1) The bad-memory activator (hereafter, “BMA”) is PAYING YOU, and,
2) The BMA is having sex with you, and;
3) The BMA is a really good mechanic.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:56 am
All friendships have bad memories. If the badness is truly shared it doesn’t matter.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
More than common, essential. At least thats the way I figure it…JW
March 12th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Justin: Maybe you’ve outgrown them in some ways?
I find it interesting that you don’t wish people in your life now to be exposed to them. Is it because they might reveal aspects of you that you wish to remain hidden from them? If so, it makes sense. And it doesn’t sound as bad as it reads,
Like you I’ve often thought about sending that email or text message, but never have.
(Sorry, I don’t mean to be throwing questions at you. Please don’t feel obliged to answer)
EM: It’s one of those situations where being a little cryptic doesn’t give it justice nor am I able to elaborate. The interesting angle here is that she too has kept her distance, and that makes me think we understand our situation fully.
Kami: Hardship brings people together but also alienates them. Like I said in the opening paragraph our best friends often disappoint us through their lack of support/interest but others come to our aid.
If a strong bond is forged through hard times, is it any stronger than one forged through normal means? I doubt it…
Zen: She’s not bad, far from it, but she’s a reminder of painful times and it’s too uncomfortable for both of us to bring it up.
The BMA is neither of all 3. Though why you’d want to have sex with a BMA is beyond me…
Gorilla B: The friendship has endured a lot and can be resurrected. But in this case, what it triggers is something that needs to stay in the past. And that’s a price I have to pay, though she will always be someone I think of fondly and with a lot of gratitude for her support.
JW: In this case, I agree it’s essential for me. In other cases, I’d be refuting my logic and fighting for it. Hence the dilemma.
March 13th, 2008 at 5:39 am
Um…how about…THEY’RE HOT??
I mean, I could never imagine a beautiful woman who would EVER bring up something misguided I said 6 months ago, or a time i forgot their birthday, or anything like that.
But if this mythical creature existed, then I would not shut them out.
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But if it’s just some asshole guy who keeps reminding me that I passed out and whizzed myself on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, well then–he will not be receiving one of those cute little forwarding cards that the Post Office provides after the next time I move, is all I’m sayin’.
Maybe I am off topic and need to review the target post again.
Then, of course, maybe that would be too much like a real job so maybe I will blow it off…
March 13th, 2008 at 7:25 am
I have one situation in mind where I very consciously ended a friendship for similar reasons to the ones you describe in your post.
It was difficult: in many respects, it was as difficult as ending a “relationship,” and in some respects it was even more difficult. When a relationship ends, we do have our friends to rely on, if we are lucky. But when the problem is with the friend, well…
In my case it was for the best. I hope it will be for you.
March 13th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Zen: If you find that mythical creature, ask them for a Ctrl-Z function, cause they can perform miracles!
maybe that would be too much like a real job… you mean blogging isn’t a real job?
Simon: That’s a different twist, when the problem is with a friend to whom you used to turn.
It was for the best, though with me, we didn’t end it. We just let things fade away and drift apart. We gave each other space, and time stretched that into invisibility. I have no wish to resurrect memories of that time, so it will just be as is now.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Yet another powerful post on relationships. I want to say I like this post, but the mood doesn’t really dictate this. It’s really hard to put a friendship in the past for me. I don’t know that I’ve ever completely done it even when I’ve threatened to do so.
I think I have music that reminds me of times left behind. I can instantly retreat to that moment when I hear certain jingles.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Egan: You’re right, the mood doesn’t. Neither do the circumstances that have led to it. Besides, it takes two people to make a go of a friendship or a relationship. The point is not that friendships should endure, it’s that both sides chose not to let them continue, and for valid reasons.
March 15th, 2008 at 5:25 am
Yeah, and that truly is sad. When you both come to a point where you realize you just don’t have enough in common to make it worthwhile. I feel for you.
March 15th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Egan: on the up side, if we were to run into each other, it would be nothing short of hugs and a warm welcome. Life can be like that at times.