The Heart of the Matter
CBMUSED at 10:00 pm Category: LifeTags: cbmused, cultural influence, first time, strict upbringing, thirty-something virgin, virginity
“Can you tell by looking at me that, you know… I’ve never had a boyfriend?”
Her question took me by surprise, more so than it had confirmed my suspicions. Was it etched on her forehead that she was a thirty-something virgin?
I decided to probe gently, as such confessions are extremely delicate. But she easily professed that she has not ‘done anything’, which I understood that it also precluded a kiss. With strict parental upbringing and a culture than condones promiscuity [sic] as much as spinsterhood [sic], Anna is at odds with herself.
Although she is an intelligent and independent woman in a high income bracket, her loyalty to her parents is unwavering, even when relatives and coupled friends set her up with living-at-home middle-aged men who are keen to replace their mothers by a wife, then have the decency to belittle her judgement and call her choosy.
Anna has tried meeting these men on more than one occasion. There was no chemistry, no connection and no intellectual rapport. Dare I say, they sounded like losers. I have tried to offer alternate suggestions to the white wedding, various avenues for dating, going out more frequently with single girlfriends, even a holiday fling.
“But when would I tell him? And how would I tell him…” her voice wavered and my brain went into overdrive thinking up of ways to tell a man she’s still a virgin.
It seems wherever she turns, obstacles prevent her from what she craves in a ‘normal’ life; the biggest one of all, is stepping out of her comfort zone.
The person on the exterior may be a professional dealing with tough business situations yet the woman at heart is a delicate flower, with the emotional maturity of an early teenager.
And that is the heart of the matter.
March 5th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Any discussion, suggestions or answers to the questions posed in this post are welcome. If you’ve come across a similar situation please feel free to share any advice. I can always pass on any helpful information.
March 5th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Despite my youth, I have had the experience of befriending people who have are in their late 20’s and have never been kissed. To which I say the hardest part, you have already mentioned. It’s the comfort zones that build the walls of ideals they want their first men to be. The comfort zones that allow them to be nothing but inflexible when it comes to being happy.
Maybe to me, being a virgin at such a late stage hardly matters anymore. She wants the moment to be special, but she first has to get past the emotional fragility that comes with being in a relationship. Because even if we do find the right person, do we have the security to maintain a relationship with them?
Times like this, I dare say that the best and the worst person in the world to break people like her into the fold would be me. I know I have what it takes to be someone who puts her needs first and understand her whims no matter how, different it may be from the norm.
Yet at the same time, to be the yardstick in which she measures all other people she dates in the future. I might not say I am God’s gift to women (although sometimes I do), but I know what being emotionally empathic to an emotionally unprepared woman can do and I would not do so if it meant breaking her heart and scaring her off relationships because of it.
What she needs is a man who is sensitive enough to know that some things don’t matter. What she needs is a man who knows how to put her needs first. What she also needs is to sober up knowing that she can’t move forward in that area unless she chooses to do so on her own terms. What she needs is to know that she has to get her heart broken at least once to know that relationships are about the downs as much as the ups.
The solution that I have always followed was always the former and the latter. I didn’t like it when they hated me for being someone they could never have, but I loved it in the end when they thanked me for showing them what it’s like to finally be free of themselves.
That’s been my experience at least. I have no idea how that’s helpful, but yeah. That’s what I think and what I would do.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:28 am
First - nice choice of pictures.
Second - I’ve never met a woman in Anna’s situation but I have know a few men who made it into their mid to late 20’s without having “done anything.” One guy is happily married now, and when he told his soon to be wife he was really nervous about the reaction. She of course had a positive reaction and it seemed like the reason for it was because they already had a solid emotional relationship in place.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:16 am
I would just say that we put too much emphasis on sex.
No one in the history of the Earth has ever died of celibacy.
We are bombarded with sex imagery (and its polar opposite, death imagery) because everyone on Madison Avenue believes in Freudian psychology.
I mean, I do TOO–but this I would say is the cause of a lot of things, including our obsession with sex.
This phrase also caught my attention:
“living-at-home middle-aged men who are keen to replace their mothers by a wife”
I don’t know that much about women, but I think if those are your only prospects–not exactly what I am told are a turn-on.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:13 am
If I was attracted to her, and she to me, her virginity would be charming more than anything, and I would be delighted to patiently ease her into the world of hot and sweaty passion. As I don’t consider myself unique, I imagine there is some guy on her side of the world with whom she needn’t feel shy or embarrassed. (There will also be pigs who will see her as a trophy.)
Caveat #1: If her immaturity is only sexual, I don’t think there is any issue. But if it is emotional as you say, I think she’ll keep attracting a strange niche of men.
Caveat #2: If her reasons for being a virgin are riddled with baggage, anxiety, or trauma, I think it will take an exceptional man to love her.
What a though-provoking case, Cléa.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:06 am
She shouldn’t do anything if she doesn’t want to. Many have lived happy lives without sex and she might be one of them. It would be very wrong to pressure her to conform to a norm which isn’t right for her. If she does meet a man she desires, I don’t see why her lack of experience would be a problem. I suspect that most men who would find that quite appealing.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:07 am
First let me say that I’ve had this post in my drafts for a few months and I’ve been reluctant to post it. I didn’t want to come across as someone who breaks a friend’s confidence and puts it on the web, so it was with a little trepidation that I hit the Publish button last night. I hope my message was clear that I’ve done it in the hope of being able to help her somehow and not to attract sensationalism for such a delicate matter.
Kami: Inflexibility, fear, embarrassment, and a major factor, the cultural pressures of her upbringing contribute to the situation.
I agree that emotional empathy is a must, but so hard to come by considering that a) she hardly meets anyone decent, some of it is due to family commitments and ageing parents, b) the kind of men with whom the family-friends set her up, c) she does little to help herself in the looks department and is into putting herself down a lot, which I believe has become ingrained from the family and being alone.
You make a very valid point, and that is she has to do something about it, and hence the rub. Breaking out of that comfort zone is most difficult, though she has tried with some forms of social dating.
GSR: Thank you. I wanted something symbolic yet artistic to complement the tone of the post. This hasn’t been an easy one to post.
He’s one lucky man to have someone understanding, and what you describe in a solid emotional relationship is crucial in these situations. Maybe he was more emotionally mature than Anna. Think of it this way, she’s never had her broken as a teenager and gone through the motions. Emotionally, she won’t be able to handle much to get to that stage. It would take a very patient and special man.
Zen: Agreed, too much emphasis on sex which makes it hard to believe that thirty-something or even forty-something virgins exist. But they do, and that emphasis creates more undue pressure. “If everyone else is into, why aren’t I?” and that’s what she thinks, which bring a lot of self-deprecation.
The living at home men phrase is what is on offer from family and friends. Again, a cultural influence which is putting more pressure on her to accept just anyone. She even considered it at one low point but thankfully changed her mind. I don’t believe this is the answer, even intellectually, there is no fit.
Peefer: Her defence mechanism alerts her to the ‘pigs’ you mention, and can also go against the good guys. I like what you describe, that a caring and sensitive man would find her virginity charming. That’s the kind of guy I wish for her to meet.
#1 – It’s more the emotional immaturity that concerns me, as it could drive away good men, if she ever had the chance to meet them. But how would you gain that maturity now, that is the question.
#2 – Her lack of sexual experience is cultural. Good girls don’t do that sort of thing etc, coupled with the fact that the strict parental upbringing meant she never went out as a teenager or in her 20s and now, her ageing parents live with her, one of whom needs a lot of care. It’s very difficult.
Thanks Peefer. As I explained earlier, I wasn’t sure if it was right to discuss it, but I’m glad I did now.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Gorilla B: the thing is, she really wants to. And she wants a full relationship that leads into marriage and children. Yet stepping out of her comfort zone as well as her lack of emotional maturity hinder her.
I like the affirmation that most men would find her lack of sexual experience appealing. It has been a sore with her, and it’s encouraging to get men’s reactions here.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Cléa: The way I see it, she can only mature by breaking down completely the ideals that she has been brought up with. To which I say is a heartbreak from a relationship that’s truly meaningful to her. The way we’re trying to see it is that she grows up nice and slow without being hurt, but I’m sorry, she kinda needs a crash course to keep up with everyone else at this point. It’s going to hurt bad being in her position in life, but that’s the only solution I see. Whether it’s the only solution she can accept, thats another thing.
I think that most men get a power kick when they know the person they are going out with is still a virgin. The chance to go “where no man has gone before” is a temptation most men can’t resist. I would have thought that’s a bonus for her, not a hindrance. Just that, the only problem is, would this all be about sex? It could if that’s all she’s focusing on.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I almost forgot. She needs more experience with men in a casual way and not just solely for dating. She needs to have them around as people she trusts with her personal and emotional life. That would be a start for now if we’re not going for the crash course.
Trust builds confidence. Trust in sharing what you’re so scared to reveal to others builds one heck of a confidence drive.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
It is probably a (psychological) problem for her but I don’t think this should be a problem for dating men or for a marriage.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I also noticed that what is accepted as “normal” or “abnormal” in one culture is perceived totally differently in other cultures, age groups or educational levels.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Kami: it’s not just about sex, it’s about the emotional involvement, the relationship and sharing life with someone you love. Everyone wants that. If it was just sex, and she had no emotions, she’d be able to get that.
Kami: being around the right type of men would give her faith that they exist. It’s just a matter of finding one.
Sidney: I sincerely hope so. She’s a bit worried a man might run in the opposite direction when he finds out. Hard to tell.
Sidney: That is very true, and with her cultural background there probably is an expectation that she would still be a virgin at her age, never having been married before.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
So many great responses here it’s hard to add anything.
I also don’t know anyone in this position personally, however, I know a few people ( one very close ) who had the “one great affair” of their lives and never seemed to move beyond it, e.g. in the 15 years since, “nothing” has happened. They face many of the same issues, and seem like they are stuck in a revolving door.
I also have another person close to me that didn’t find “him” until her late 20’s, and prior to that she did all sorts of things that I would have thought almost guaranteed coming across good quallity blokes ( she took up surf lifesaving for starters… no shortage of fit, hardbodies! ) . But it was through work she finally met Mr. Right, years after we’d given up trying to set her up with various eligable batchelors and wondered if she perhaps should try and find a lady instead. They are now insanely happy, as if it was always just waiting to happen.
Might I suggest your freind maybe needs to do a few things out of her comfort zone that aren’t focused on meeting guys first - this can have a subtle and lasting influence on one’s mindset. I’m also a great believer that in activities invloving strong physical effort provide a great distraction, with the spin off of looking and feeling more invigourated. It can help break the loop.
It might be easier said than done with the parental situation of course, but I strongly believe that taking a small, slightly scary step to the left can be the start of a different path.
My two cents.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I love the name of the character in this post. Hmm, I think it would be seen as a positive in my mind. If I met a woman in her 30s who happened to be a virgin, it could say a lot about their character. There could be caveats as discussed by Peefer, but by and large I think it’s a good thing.
I thought it interesting that if a woman in her 30s has never had a boyfriend, it’s implied she’s a virgin. Now if you said the same about a guy without ever having a girlfriend in his 30s, I don’t think you’d assume he’s a virgin. Maybe I’m wrong about that though.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Gboy: I appreciate your input, as I do with anyone wishing to comment or add to this discussion.
That is a good suggestion, and I agree that if you feel good about yourself, you’re likely to attract the right kind of attention. I have seen her at looking and feeling great after a holiday abroad, and I know she can do it, but the parental issues are problematic at present.
I’m glad your friend found a happy ending, or a happy start of a new life. You’ve just reminded me that it is possible, as I know of someone who’s found their life partner later in life.
“Fit, hard bodies” got me day dreaming… thanks
Egan: Oh yes, the name
As you know I don’t use real names but ones that fit the person I know.
I reiterate how good it makes me feel (on her behalf) that the comments are positive in relation to her status, if one can call it that.
That was her terminology, a euphemism, as she wouldn’t want to say it outright. No implications here, I probed to make sure. As for a guy, maybe you’d first assume he’s gay or bi or at least leaning this way?
March 7th, 2008 at 2:32 am
Suggestion: Heidi’s Stud Farm.
You could all save up and chip in.
March 7th, 2008 at 3:13 am
I would think most people, when told by their potential significant other that “they are a virgin”, would be cool and understanding about it. It seems to me that by the time the question came up, the two would know each other well enough to know if they are compatible (on some level) anyway.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Nah, what I was getting at with the guy thing is maybe he’s had sex, but never had a girlfriend. You know those crazy flings or some sordid adventure with a co-worker. I knew a few guys that never had girlfriends, but who also weren’t virgins.
Positive is a good thing. A few posts back you talked about your real name. I think it was a post relating to your friend’s mom who passed away. Now I’m even more curious to figure out your real name. Un jour je vais l’apprendre.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I know of a couple of situations where the details are very different, but “the heart of the matter” is very similar to this one. And I think the comment about doing things not related to dating but out of her comfort zone is brilliant advice. Not only will the eagle eye parents be happier with their daughter going to cooking classes or learning a language or rock climbing etc, but she will grow in confidence, have some fun and maybe get her mind off feeling down about herself. PLUS, she will meet people - having a life full of wonderful friends can only make you feel good about yourself and your life, and the more friends she has, the more likely it is that she will meet someone who could be more than a friend. Sounds like a win-win-win to me.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Zen: Oh my… what a sight for sore eyes, to wake up to those images of male body perfection. Hawt!!!
Jarod: Being the type of girl she is, I agree that by the time it would come up, they would have a close bond. I truly hope she would get there some day soon, as it is her wish.
Egan: I see. That’s possible too, if he’s not into commitment of a sort. I doubt she’d find that kind of person attractive as a potential partner for a start.
Actually, I said my friend and I shared the same name of one parent. Je m’appelle Cléa. You know that!
Felix: I’m liking this idea a lot, putting herself in situations that would boost her confidence and give her a chance to meet people. Unfortunately, at present, parental obligations make it difficult. But hopefully these will improve soon and she can make time for herself.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:56 am
[…] « The Heart of the Matter Mar 07 2008 […]
March 10th, 2008 at 12:03 am
I really hope she finds someone who is worthy of her and doesn’t make her feel alienated. She definitely needs someone who is charmed by her situation, sensitive to her needs and finds her irresistible. Hm, sounds like what every girl needs actually - funny that! hehe. She might not be so ‘different’ after all - even if people do act shocked by her virginity. I think we probably place an unnecessary emphasis on sexual expertise these days. You’d think people were born “de-flowered” the way we all make such a fuss about people who aren’t.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:06 am
That’s a good point Mez. Way too much emphasis that is something which is not anybody’s business. She needs what every girl needs, with a little dash of understanding, remembering she hasn’t had her heart broken ever, and she is emotionally inexperienced.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
you know I was thinking about the emotional side after I read your piece and I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone’s inexperienced emotionally in some way. I mean there are many ways to get your heart broken and there are many ways to fall in love. There are so many ways to experience heartache and loss and also joy I don’t think that someone who has had bazillions of relationships has all the knowledge about that either. So many people are emotional fuckwits when it comes to relationships anyway. I don’t know her but I doubt she’s inexperienced emotionally, she might have been through highs and lows in her heart in other ways - hell there are KIDS I know who have been through more than a lot of adults I know, emotionally speaking - but what I *do* think she might not be ready for is the mind fuck (as opposed to the other kind) that often (unfortunately) goes on in relationships. That whole - what the hell is he THINKING? thing. oh boy.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
You’re right about that Mez. She has been through some emotional turmoil in her life, and although none of it has been relationship-centric, it can have flow on effects and parallels which would equip her to deal with some of it. The mind fuck you mention is the difficult part. Although she’s way too careful and dismissive of most guys (the live at home with mummy losers I mentioned), I have been privy to some of it through her discussions with me, and I’ve had to intervene at times and give her a reality check. But none of these encounters have progressed to more than a second date, and rightly so. But when/if it happens with someone decent, I’d hate for her to blow it with someone decent.