Dragging Him Down The Aisle
CBMUSED at 12:29 am Category: LifeTags: 29 february, cbmused, leap year, marriage, proposals, women proposing to men
The shiny ring. The big white dress. The ceremony in front of hundreds. The decadent reception… Barbie Dolls, fairy tales and stereotypes have a lot to answer for when it comes to the pressure some women undergo in an effort to get their man to tie the knot.
“I must get married before I turn 30 this year,” Sharon repeats to an audience bored with her fixation, asking for advice on how to lure her live-in boyfriend Mike into marriage. She carries with her a sketch of a diamond ring, a photograph of a wedding dress and speaks of the reception venue she has selected. She dreams of a house with a white picket fence and lots of children. Naturally, she will stop working while he becomes the sole provider for their large family. Mike has not even hinted at the happily ever after. One could say that she is slightly obsessive were it not for the fact that I know a few women who share a similar predicament.
As for my advice on how to coerce a man to marry her, I told her the story of my friend Tina, who at the age of twenty, was about to be married after manipulating her (then) boyfriend to pop the ever-after question.
“You too can make D marry you if you’re clever about it,” Tina told me as if she were an expert on proposals.
I reminded her that D has proposed to me twice, on bended knee, but I had no intention of getting engaged at 19 or getting married at 21 while I was a full time student without any life experience.
Tina shrugged. “I’m just saying…” And so was I.
A couple of months after her wedding, she got herself pregnant to educate him in responsibilities. Two years later, they divorced.
Tina’s story fell on Sharon’s deaf ears as she was determined to drag Mike down the aisle before she turns into a pumpkin. I refrained from asking Sharon her expectations of life beyond marriage and the white picket fence. It was all a contrived dream from which she did not want to awake. Maybe she will take the leap year initiative and propose to him today.
Some men will never ask the question until they feel ready. Pressuring them and manipulating them into marriage is a selfish act that serves a one-sided purpose when marriage is meant to be a partnership.
Yet I ponder, do men allow themselves to be coerced into marriage when they’re uncertain and not ready, and why? Do women feel comfortable in the knowledge that through their actions and persistence, they have dragged their man down the aisle?
Your opinion…
February 29th, 2008 at 5:19 am
I believe it’s called “keeping your options open”. Being with the current girl is better than being alone, but not as good as being with the future girl who might turn up. So marriage means settling for what you’ve got. My advice to girls: if he doesn’t want to marry you, leave him and find someone who does.
February 29th, 2008 at 6:14 am
I’ve known too many people who pressure their boyfriends into proposing and it’s such a car wreck to witness. The girl being upset everyday and pissy at the boy. And the boy completely clueless as to what is even going on in the girl’s head. And I’ve never understood it. Maybe it’s because marriage was the last thing on my mind when my husband proposed.
Let me clarify. Last thing on my mind in the sense that I was just happy living with him and truly didn’t believe that we needed to be married to solidfy anything. We were committed to one another and no ring and piece of paper was going to change that. I was very sure of myself and of “us”, so maybe that’s why it wasn’t a big deal. Sure, I said “YES!” when he surprisingly proposed on Christmas Eve almost 8 years ago, but if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have minded.
I asked a friend, who was constantly pressuring her boyfriend into proposing, why she was so adamant that he propose. They had barely been dating for 2 years. She couldn’t answer me. I continued my query and asked if her constant pestering and dragging him to ring shops and all that lost some of the romance for her. Again she couldn’t answer me. She just didn’t know and didn’t really think about all that. Other than all of her friends from her school were all married or getting married and she didn’t want to be left behind. That kind of answered a bit of my question.
February 29th, 2008 at 6:18 am
I have at least one male friend who got married because of Inertia. It went something like this: We dated for the last two years of high school, and we dated for all four years of university, and we have lived together for two years since….so we really should get married. Cut to 10 months later - they were divorced and it wasn’t pretty.
Looking back on their relationship the thing that doomed them was a lack of life experience coupled with a desire to get some. I’m not saying getting married young won’t work - I’ve seen it work on several occasions. But if both people know that they want to get some life experience and they try to lock themselves down before figuring out how they can/will gain it together the marriage is going to hit some rough spots early.
February 29th, 2008 at 6:21 am
I had a girlfriend from college try and coerce me into marriage somewhere around our 4th year of being together (and 3 years after college ended). From the moment she started to put that pressure on me our relationship went south. I broke up with her a few months shy of what would have been our 5th anniversary. To this day it is one of the most memorable/difficult nights of my life, and at the same time I had never been surer that I was making the right decision for BOTH of us.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Gorilla B: Settling for what you’ve got wouldn’t flatter me in the least. But if some women get to walk down that aisle as a result of it, they would have gotten what they wanted.
Sicilian Mama: “Car wreck” says it all, and like you, I can’t understand why anyone would want to pressure someone for a commitment they’re not ready to make.
Your friend sounds like she’s pressured by others’ lives and wanting to belong, just like when a group of married friends start to have babies and the rest followed. Again, peer pressure has a lot to answer for. But at what cost to the individuals?
GSR: The frustrating thing is that you can’t tell them anything because they refuse to listen and they end up attacking you then ostracising you.
I totally agree with you on getting life experience before committing to marriage. I’ve seen young marriages work but I think it’s rare, and I always feel trepidation when I hear about an impending one.
Justin: Your honesty about how it made you feel only confirms my belief that it’s not the right thing to do. It’s not like buying a house or planning a trip together.
My story at 19 is a little similar to yours but in reverse. Sure, I was tempted by the whole romance-proposal, but my level headedness told me that it wasn’t right to make that sort of commitment before getting life experience (and I don’t mean other guys, but work, travel etc). He wanted at least an engagement, but to me that was the same commitment. Consequently, we broke up as it was a sore point with him. But after we finished uni, and we talked, we both agreed it was the best decision for both of us.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:41 am
The concept of pressuring your significant other into marriage makes me physically ill. It’s so pathetic, both for the girl and the poor fool who actually falls for it. Have some dignity! What causes this - is it fear of being alone? Fear of not living up to the perceived the “standard”? Is it just a lot of insecurity?
February 29th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Regardless, most men in relationships today have a tough time saying no. They feel guilty when they make a girl sad, much less cry and they would do anything to endure that…including marriage. Coupled with men AND who really don’t understand the concept of a relationship, you get situations like that. It’s as much a woman’s perception of what a relationship is to them as is the oblivious nature of what a guys thinks of in a relationship.
I might not have gone through marriage, but I made the same mistakes for the same reasons, one I would never repeat again. Most of the times it’s best to know what both people want in their lives that doesn’t have to do with a relationship. Sometimes it’s always best to say stop.
Makes you wonder whether most men in relationships have the balls to say that.
February 29th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Jarod: It may be a combination of the factors you mention, depending on the individual. Sharon has recently bought a house with Mike but still no mention of marriage so I’d say she’s still feeling insecure.
Kamigoroshi: You think so? Does emotional blackmail to that degree really work? I can’t imagine pressuring a man into it. What does it say about him if he’s unsure yet he accepts?
February 29th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
The only thing I want to do before/when I turn 30 is jump out of a plane and go to France and England. THAT I can handle.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
It says that he is only human. Doing things out of impulse of the moment without considering the future ahead.
Men in particular, unable to comprehend emotions, are easily sucked into doing things for the sake of not wanting to make a scene. I have seen it happen so many times and so many times has it ended badly.
March 1st, 2008 at 9:15 am
EM: That sounds like heaven! I really hope you get to do it soon :).
Kamigoroshi: I’ve never not seen it end badly, or make people miserable. I can understand doing things to please your partner, but if you’re not ready for a lifetime commitment, no point in making one.
March 4th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
do men allow themselves to be coerced into marriage when they’re uncertain and not ready
See, here the thing with guys. They need to be coerced into pretty much everything that smacks of responsibility. It starts with splitting the bond on a cramped bedsitter, and doesn’t end until the will they composed so grudgingly is read out.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Gboy: Are you telling me it’s right then to coerce a man? Because if marriage isn’t something he wants, what’s the point?