Swinging
CBMUSED at 12:53 pm Category: LifeTags: cbmused, lifestyle, swingers, swinging
What are the odds that in a period of two weeks, two of your friends openly inform you of their swinging lifestyles?
Emma was the first. She spoke of her past in an almost lamenting tone. And after recounting how it had started, it seems she wanted an opinion. Or was it absolution or acceptance. Who knows, I am the least qualified to give it. Apart from an initial mild curiosity about the dynamics, the lifestyle has no appeal to me. I told her that there was no point regretting the past and beating herself over it. But later I sensed it was more than my acceptance that she was after. It was a longing to return to it.
Tamara was more direct and to the point. “Do you think I’m a slut?” she asked while puffing on her second cigarette, angry that a guy she had recently met had intimated such a thought. She then told me about her recent past, that it was a phase that she had enjoyed but had definitely put behind her.
The coincidence that both women chose to reveal a similar past to me was more perplexing than the disclosure that they had been swingers. Like the things in life in which I do not partake, I have an open mind to listen and learn, even though I do not share the interest.
The intimate knowledge has not changed the way I feel about either Emma or Tamara. My friendship with them has nothing to do with their choice. As I am not in the habit of imagining friends having sex with their partners, I choose not to imagine either one in their swinging lifestyle. After all, are we to judge our friends by their sex lives, or lack thereof, or the way we relate to them?
Would you have reacted any differently? Your opinion…
February 19th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
My reaction would’ve been a lot different if they had said they were cheating on their significant others with people who also had significant others.
From what I know (and I don’t know a lot about it), swinging is purely consentual. Everybody knows about it. It’s no different than when people experiment sexually as youngsters fresh into college, having moved out for the first time. As long as nobody is getting hurt and people are being safe, there’s nothing wrong with it.
February 19th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Were they seeking your approval or understanding? I think you might have told them it wasn’t something you would do and explained why, while reassuring them it had no bearing on your friendship.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Vivre et laisser vivre !
I definitely don’t care what other people do with their life. I expect that they don’t judge mine.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Essentially Me: There was no cheating involved and the one who had a significant other at one time was also involved in it. They assured me it was safe, even before I mentioned it
And lovely to have you here, EM, welcome
Gorilla B: to be honest, I’m not sure. Both sounded confessional, and they would have known I wouldn’t be into it. Actually, I didn’t mention anything about our friendship because I didn’t think it warranted an affirmation at the time.
Sidney: absolutely!Why judge on something that doesn’t even affect me?
February 20th, 2008 at 12:20 am
When it rains, it pours. Life isn’t without a hint of coincidence and a touch of irony.
Maybe being me, curiosity would get the better of me. I wouldn’t judge. I wouldn’t appeal to it either. I would just want to know what was it like. It is what is beyond my grasp or principles in which I look onto others and learn from their eyes.
Of course, in the world of sex that I’m exposed to, anything goes. For that, what’s left is to experience it firsthand, or at least understand it the way my friends who do it do.
February 20th, 2008 at 12:45 am
I like Sidney’s answer. I think real friends accept you for you are and avoid making you feel like you have to apologize for being yourself.
Plus, I think it is weird when people don’t swing….
(I kid, I kid….)
February 20th, 2008 at 6:15 am
I’m too self-conscious for swinging, but open-minded enough to ponder it. (Apparently, there are swingers on my street, but I don’t know who!) Finding out about the lifestyle from a friend would intrigue me. I would label my friend as The Swinger Friend for a while, then the novelty would wear off, and he/she would be Friend again.
February 20th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Kamigoroshi: I didn’t ask her about the details. The internet can provide that. I would have been more interested in finding out the appeal, but she had explained it.
Understanding it, yes, though it’s not something that appeals to me.
GSR: well maybe that’s it, both wanted a dose of acceptance and they had a hunch they’d get it from me.
As for you, Mr, that halo is loosening up a bit…
Peefer: Hello! And welcome
It’s easy to label people, I think it’s human nature, and in this case because we don’t share that lifestyle and they do. Sometimes I wonder about it with them, but haven’t gone as far as asking, “Hey, how’s the swinging going?” But if either wanted to provide details, I’d listen!
February 20th, 2008 at 9:33 am
There is something more intimate and deep about having friends explain things to you rather than just finding it all from the net. I guess like I said, curiosity always get the better of me. That kind of an adventurer I am, if not in acts, then at least in what I know.
February 20th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Well, as I already pointed out, it’s lucky you are not in Australia ’cause on Manswers on Spike TV they said those are the most likely women to participate in a three-way.
(Spike TV is the source of much of my worldview and knowledge.)
After a two-day plane flight, a three-way would be really nice. Sheesh, I would hope one at least GETS LAID…
February 20th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Kamigoroshi: yes there is, though I may not want to hear certain details from them, because I’d end up with a visual I can’t shake!
Zen: But what does Spike TV say about a four-way or more… and do I really want to know?!
February 20th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Swinging still happens? I thought that was a thing of the 70s. I think you handled it well. I’m as shocked as you are that two people told you this so recently. Very odd indeed. There must be some crazy quality about you that gets people to open up to you…. huh, imagine that.
February 20th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Egan: Apparently, it’s quite popular across various age groups, and some circles can be quite exclusive. Yes, it is odd that both have confided about the same thing in me. And you are also correct, there must be something about me, because people often open up to me about things and follow it up with “I’ve never told this before…”. Now you’re making me think…
February 20th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
nah, it wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest however I would have relentlessly made fun of the 1970s throwback of it all. Oh yes! And yes I suppose I would have asked for more details not just physical ones but ones about ‘do they think they will always partake in it?” “is it a deal breaker, what if they end up with a partner in the future who isn’t into it, would they feel stifled by NOT being a swinger?” and “what if you meet someone who is better at sexing than your hubby is - have they talked about that before going into it?”. Also the most important question - “does it start with keys in an ashtray?”. Yeah, I’m one of those “askers”.
I get a hell of a lot of people telling me things they”ve not told anyone before or ‘please don’t tell anyone but…’ type confessions. I guess maybe we’re both quite accepting. I don’t really hold back my opinion but bottom line I’m always respectful and accepting (even when poking fun).
February 21st, 2008 at 5:27 am
I like that Mez is all over the questions surrounding this. She went with the 70s thing too. Cléa, you have this air about you that allows people to open up and say stuff they may not elsewhere. I’m going out on a limb here, but my thinking is you’re a damn good listener and that’s why it happens. I could be wrong, but that’s my gut feeling.
The secret nature of swinging doesn’t surprise me so much. My wife and I have used swinging as a fun little prank on some other married couples. It’s a great ice breaker.
February 21st, 2008 at 10:49 am
Mez: I guess I was told the nitty gritty (?) details before I had a chance to ask, including most answers to your questions. But there was no mention of ashtrays!
I think people can tell who is accepting and who isn’t. And like you, I too have an opinion and strong beliefs that I’m not afraid of expressing, even when it is not my business. But something like this only affects them, and has little to do with people around them. As long as they’re being careful, it’s up to them.
Nage: Your gut feel is right. I am a good listener (and analyser) and although I have opinions, I look at situations with a degree of objectivity, even when they’re emotional at times.
You and your wife sound like stirrers! I bet you tell them you swing from chandeliers too…
February 25th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Oh noes! I had it in my mind I’m commented on this post… d’oh!
I had a chuckle at what Mez had to say… my thoughts were the same about the whole 70’s throwback thing. It conjures up visions of some bad 70’s funk soundtrack with lots of wah wah effects, and hairy people all suddenly and inexplicably getting their gear off and jumping in the pool. *Shudder*
No one has confessed it to me, but I must say, I have my suspicions…
February 25th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
GBoy: I was wondering where you were !
I think 70s pr-0-n has influenced a lot of our thinking, judging by the comments on this post. And thanks for the hairy mention, nice graphic that adds to the shudders…
Your suspicions may be founded. I have one in mind who I’ve suspected for a while, along with her husband and a couple of things she’s said along the way. She’s not a friend, nor can I approach her and ask… but would like to know if I’m right.