Feb
12
2008
Modern Etiquette of Try-Hard Managers
CBMUSED at 9:57 am Category: GeneralTags: cbmused, try-hard managers, wank word bingo, work etiquette
- They only respond to your email after 10 pm or 5.30 am on weekdays and during the weekend to prove how committed they are to their job.
- They mark all their emails ‘important’, or ‘high priority’, because, well, they believe they are highly important individuals.
- They cc the world on every bit of information they send in an attempt to cover their collective arses.
- They use smilies when emailing their employees to try and win their support. And make them gag.
- They send email jokes to their employees to prove they are one and all with them.
- They surround themselves with court jesters aka brown nosers aka ego boosters, who laugh at their jokes, prop up their insecurities and know as little as they do.
- If female, they mimic the worst of male of behaviours to assert their position.
- If male, they reek of testosterone and boys club culture.
- They constantly interrupt their employees with inane questions they should know the answers for, just to prove their importance.
- They check their text messages frequently during meetings and use it as an excuse to make a quick exit when the going gets tough, but get caught checking the stock market or the latest sports score.
- Their calendars are always booked with back-to-back meetings as an excuse to ‘take it offline’ when serious issues are brought to the table.
- They pick an old buzz phrase each week, such as ‘best practice’, ‘empowerment’ and ‘bottom line’ to impress their employees unaware that these are playing mental Wank Word Bingo.
February 12th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I think if you mark everything with “high importance” than nothing actually has “high importance.”
And the current buzz word around my office is “core competencies.” Not a big fan of that one or the others.
February 12th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
I would repeat their buzz phrases back to them, in as many different sentences as possible, to the point of absurdity. But then, I don’t need a job.
February 12th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
GSR: Absolutely! This manager always marked her emails important, including when she sent a note telling people she had some off site appointment. I started leaving them till last. Didn’t miss out on anything.
Core competencies! Ah, the memories…
Gorilla Bananas: you’re one wicked ape, Mr Bananas! I like the way you think. The difficult part would be keeping a straight face while repeating them!
February 13th, 2008 at 11:45 am
13) They wear Bluetooth’s when they go to lunch, since it’s “so important” that some schmuck somewhere upgraded his insurance or some shit.
14) If male, they “high five” a lot.
15) Their e-mails are all lower case and without a salutation becuase they “can’t be bothered” with stuff like that because they are “so busy.”
16) There is a sign in the lobby that says, “This is a ‘casual corporate’ company.” If you don’t dress like you are a freakin’ bull rider in a rodeo on Fridays, they look at you like you are from Mars.
17) They wouldn’t be caught dead in a car that was actually manufactured in Michigan.
18) If male, they use sports analogies: e.g., “Aw screw it, let’s punt!”
19) They obsessively have a lot of pictures of their significant other salt-and-peppered around their office, as if they need to be reminded who they are supposed to shag twice a month.
20) They have the latest technology, with cost deliberately past the “diminishing returns” point. In other words, they need to pay $600 for an iPhone on the first day it comes out; rather than waiting for the piece of shit to come down to $350 like the rest of us mere mortals.
21) Their lunches are EXACTLY one-and-three-quarters hours long.
22) If male, they wear a leather jacket with a white shirt and a tie.
23) They don’t have time to leave impossibly long comments on blogs and…wait, that’s why I am not getting ahead around here!!!
February 13th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Oh, wait–and they use so many cliche’s–like “think outside the box” and “value added”–that somebody has come up with those, “Meeting Bingo” cards, and there is a Bingo every meeting.
February 13th, 2008 at 11:53 am
This page:
http://meetingbingo.net/
actually GENERATES “Meeting Bingo Cards.”
I forgot about “win-win” and “synergy.”
1) Does anyone who uses the word “synergy” actually know what it means?
2) How can you make a profit off of selling a dude something and it be a “win-win”? Sounds like he’s losing; you’re winning…
February 13th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Glad I turned my back to the corporate world years ago
February 13th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Zen: these are brilliant!
13 - … and have the word ‘wanker’ tattooed on their forehead.
19a - If female, they scatter photos of their offspring(s) all over their workspace as a reminder that they have it all, but there’s never a photo of their man around.
Zen: yesss! So tempted to ask, ‘which box’ in a serious meeting and watch their response.
Zen: In my time, I’ve attended a monthly corporate meeting, and the directors were so cool. They handed out the bingo cards… and played along!
1) Doubt it. They probably interchange it with ‘energy’.
2) The first win is for the person making the sale. The second win is for the company. The dude just parts with his money.
Sidney: you’re very lucky! But if it’s your bread and butter, it helps to have a sense of humour at times, even laugh at yourself. I often do
February 14th, 2008 at 12:58 am
Holy Secret Undercover Identity Clea’. . . . are you in my office? Do you know David too? I mean, you have to be sitting close by right? No way you could possibly nail his managerial style without knowing him 1st hand. Wanna do lunch? Great BBQ place down the hill.
I take a 2 week break and you’ve taken over the inter-waves. Now I know what I’ll be doing for lunch the next couple of days. . . . catching up.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:33 am
They really should have “REKNAW” tattooed on their foreheads, so you could see them coming in your rearview mirror like an ambulance.
They are, of course, tailgating you so close if you agreed with it it would be “consensual sodomy.”
February 14th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Oh my! I know this type too well. I think they all walk fast and feign eye contact to enhance their “importance”. I like you Cléa. I might even go as far to say I love you, but I should stop short of saying that since this is a blog and I don’t want to sound creepy. Creepy isn’t a good trait. Nice is a good trait, but not creepy. Love love love the buzz words you chose to highlight.
February 14th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Spiffy: Shh… don’t blow my cover, or David will suspect we both blog on the job!
All too common, isn’t it? And why don’t they see themselves for what they really are, especially the incompetent ones who feel threatened by those who aren’t.
Good to have you back, Spiffy. I’m still wading my way through this interweb before taking over…
Zen: you know what, every time I come across a wanker, I’m going to imagine “REKNAW” tattooed on their foreheads, and attribute it to you. Try explaining that one Cléa!
As for the tailgating, that’s a classic!
Nage: hellooo! Yes, I know about the eye contact when they pretend they’re in the know, whereas they’re hiding that insecurity. I can always spot fake people, more so in business because I don’t have time for them.
I like you too Nage. In fact, I’d go as far as to say, I like your name too. Since I like French influences, but I don’t want to creep you out either by slipping a buzz word like ’synergy’ between us!
February 15th, 2008 at 4:54 am
Ha, you added to your list mon cherie! I’ve heard the “let’s punt” before and I can’t help but to roll my eyes. Does everything have to be about sports? You call it “synergy”, but I call it “chemistry”. Hoowaa!
February 15th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Nage: men and sports go together, or so I hear, and when they take it into the boardroom, they’re flexing their testosterone. Thanks you, I’ll take a back seat, watch, maybe jot down some notes for a future blog post.
Hoowaa indeed!